Friday, July 26, 2013

And so it begins... again!

It is hard to say how time goes on and yet stands still at the same time.  Since I last wrote, so much has changed in my life.  I have been blessed with a beautiful little girl, we moved to another state, and my son is growing up so fast.  With all that being said, there are times when I am pulled back to the most life changing time in my life.  As while Gabriella is in our lives everyday, life is going on.  I try so hard not to be defined by my loss.  It is so hard.  How do could you ignore or deny your left arm? Your leg? Or your heart? They are apart of you, apart of your daily functioning.  And yet daily, I am in situations where I have to decide whether or not to bring Gabriella to the forefront of my day through conversation or some other way. 

In my bereavement group, those of us who are a year plus into our loss, we call ourselves and are considered veterans.  The pain changes, the challenges change too.  And while we move on, we are not without obstacles to us living the 'normal' life we once knew.  How do you move on? Quite simply, you don't. You embrace the loss and understand in embracing it you live with it.  Our little ones have meaning to us always. 

Now, here I stand at another crossroad in my life- what do I do now? I worked through the grief and moved on.  We are family of four now in the eyes of those who don't know us, complete with a little boy and little girl, here in this realm.  Having our second daughter was a time that called for strength.  We did it.  And now as the dust settles, the baby now being just about 4 months, and we physically leaving behind the place where it all happened, I need to rediscover and redefine myself once again.

I now live in a place where most people do not know me or my story.  I am forced to make new friends and socialize with people I don't want to know.  My safety and security of home is gone.  I am feeling alone and bored.  I have no desire to get close to anyone.  The people who I am close to now live 1100 miles away.  Why would I want to start over? Quite frankly I don't. I have to desire.  I guess I will have to fugure that out.

My Pampered Chef business is at a stand still, having no momentum here and literally starting over.  My income has suffered as well and I question if this opportunity was a 'season' rather then a 'life time' event in my life.  Ican not believe stability is not something I can find in my life.  And more than anything it is the thing I long for the most.