I want to thank my dear friend Tina for sharing Tyler with all of us. She is so brave, loving and truly an inspiration to me. The gratitude I have in my heart for her love and support, can not be expressed in words. So I am simply going to say "Thank You!"
My husband & I were expecting our 3rd son. After trying so hard to conceive my other 2, taking so long to get pregnant with each of them, this pregnancy was a total surprise. We weren't at a good place in our marriage, there was a move out of state pending but once we found out I was pregnant we postponed the move & really started to work on us.
The pregnancy was very different than my others....extremely different & by mid November '04 (my 7th month) I was placed on bed rest. I followed everything to the T that the doctor asked & told me to do. I am a Mary Kay consultant & my unit was having a mini retreat on 1/8/05. I was given special permission to attend as long as I took it very easy & went home the second I got tired. That morning I woke up around 5:30 with a sharp pain thru my stomach. It was only a few seconds & I waited for more to happen but nothing did so I got up to get ready & my back was really bothering me, I figured a hot shower would help but by the time I got out of the shower, I knew I needed to get to the hospital. I woke up my husband & within 1/2 an hour we were there & getting hooked up to monitors.
I was babbling away so excited that the time was here. That for the first time I was feeling contractions (my 1st was an emergency c-section, my second a planned c-section), I was feeling what it was like for my body to get ready to give birth to a baby. I was so oblivious to what was going on, I didn't see how the nurses kept exchanging glances, how they were very quiet, how when my husband asked a question about the sonogram that my view was blocked from he was ignored. It wasn't until later that everything replayed in my head that I should have seen something was very wrong.
My OB came in & started to do an internal but she yelled something to me. I can't even remember what it was....now is when I start to panic. They rushed me to the OR for an emergency c-section. I was scared but still didn't think my baby wouldn't survive.....my oldest was born at 31 weeks, he was a small little peanut weighing only 2lbs 13oz but I was 36 weeks now. The baby can survive OK, the baby SHOULD survive. But with the masked faces all around, no one saying much to me...I begged the anesthiologist if he was going to put me under it needed to be NOW. I was started to really freak out.
As I started to come to I was greated with "I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Garcia". Still my head was foggy...was he talking to me? I woke up to seeing Chris standing there red eyed, my mom sitting there also red eyed. I don't even remember who told me that my baby boy.....my little Tyler James...was gone. Then the nurse came in to tell me they were keeping him warm so when I was ready to hold him it would be less traumatic. Less traumatic?? How is that possible?
I don't know how long it was but I finally did ask to hold him. I wish I could say I was strong & counted his fingers & toes & soaked up every moment of it but the truth is I didn't. I looked at that little face, touched his cheek expecting him to wake up & then totally lost it. I just kept sobbing for my baby, apologizing to him over & over again. I don't even know who took him from my arms. Then I snapped, I went into desperate someone talk to me about anything mode. I just couldn't comprehend what I was going thru.
When my OB explained to me what happened it took days for it to really sink in. Because of a previous emergency c-section, the incision that was made (classical or vertical) was one that has a higher chance of rupturing. That is what happened & my little Tyler didn't survive. Not only did my uterus rupture but my baby fell thru....not only that but the placenta also detached. They said I had been hemmoraghing for some time & 2 more hours could have meant my life as well.
The nurses in the hospital were wonderful. They kept me in the labor & delivery wing at the very end so I wouldn't have to hear or see the moms in post partum & so I wouldn't be placed on another floor where I wouldn't get the attention & care I needed. They came in to check on me all the time, they allowed my boys to come in & to see me. But a few days later when things started to get really busy there my doc allowed me to go home earlier than planned so I wouldn't have to hear & see their celebrations of something that had been taken from me.
Then came the second most difficult thing of my life. Burying my son.
Initially I did not want his little casket open. I was afraid to see him. But when we got to the funeral home I just wanted to look at him. It was going to be the only chance I would get to look at him & see how beautiful & preious he is. With my Mary Kay girlfriends - Nicole, Kerry & Dawn - sitting with me, taking care of me, crying with me, hugging me. I somehow made it through the wake. I don't remember leaving the funeral home at all. I remember Anthony being with us. He was 9 at the time, it was his first limo ride. I remember everyone talking & joking. And I remember getting to the cemetery where the awning was set up & all the chairs waiting with his flowers....and that tiny casket. I couldn't tell you who was there (although I do know know after asking questions). I don't remember a thing about the service....the only 3 memories I have are my dad & husband having to force me to the limo, my friend Kerry leaning in to hug me while I clung to her telling her I couldn't leave him there he would be too cold and finally, seeing the tree line on the drive - all of the dead trees and thinking how everything was dead & my world was standing still.
All in all, I do have to say that I have learned a lot about myself thru all of this. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for & that I am able to help other women. It doesn't matter if they are younger or older, thinner or heavier....when you lose a child it makes no difference who you are or what you look like.
My friend Dawn told me just before Tyler's funeral that Mary Kay always said "God makes somebodies, he doesn't create nobodies" so for the short time that Tyler was with us, even if only inside me, he WAS a sombody & he touched many many lives. I have to thank Dawn for that. It is something I think about every single day.
Unfortunately my journey brought me full circle with Nicole. I was niave to think the people I cared about would be spared this pain. I am glad that I can be here for Nicole, I'm glad I can show her support but I wish with every fiber in me that I could have saved her from this.
I have 2 special poems that I would like to share:
A BRAND NEW STAR
(Author unknown)
When the darkness of the evening
Crowds away the sun's last rays
And you lift your eyes to Heaven,
You may see a brand new blaze.
It's brilliant and it's lovely,
And it's shining just for you.
It's a brand new star in heaven,
Lit to welcome someone new.
Though your days may seem much longer
Since he had to cross that line,
If you lift your eyes to Heaven,
You will see that he still shines.
It's just a soft reminder
That although he is gone
As long as you let love grow,
His little light shines on.
And though you want him in your arms,
He's safe as he can be,
for he's in the arms of angels
And most perfect company.
And even in the morning,
Stars are lost in light of day,
Your little one is shining,
and not so far away....
I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face
My mom doesn't know
I'm watching her
But I'm watching her just the same
And I hear each tear fall on her face
At the very mention of my name
She says it sounds like
music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud
I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end
and I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me with her friends
But there are few
who truly understand
oh this I've heard her proclaim
and I hear each tear falll on her face
Will my mom ever be the same?
I know her smiles light up a sky
but I don't see that smile today
oh but I hear each tear
fall on her face
Her blue skies have turned to gray
Oh I send to her my warmest hug
With the rays of the morning sun
then, i won't hear a tear on her face
For I shall erase them one by one
Yes, my mom doesn't know I'm watching
But I'm watching her just the same
And if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll softly whisper her name
~~Kaye Des'Ormeaux 2001
The pregnancy was very different than my others....extremely different & by mid November '04 (my 7th month) I was placed on bed rest. I followed everything to the T that the doctor asked & told me to do. I am a Mary Kay consultant & my unit was having a mini retreat on 1/8/05. I was given special permission to attend as long as I took it very easy & went home the second I got tired. That morning I woke up around 5:30 with a sharp pain thru my stomach. It was only a few seconds & I waited for more to happen but nothing did so I got up to get ready & my back was really bothering me, I figured a hot shower would help but by the time I got out of the shower, I knew I needed to get to the hospital. I woke up my husband & within 1/2 an hour we were there & getting hooked up to monitors.
I was babbling away so excited that the time was here. That for the first time I was feeling contractions (my 1st was an emergency c-section, my second a planned c-section), I was feeling what it was like for my body to get ready to give birth to a baby. I was so oblivious to what was going on, I didn't see how the nurses kept exchanging glances, how they were very quiet, how when my husband asked a question about the sonogram that my view was blocked from he was ignored. It wasn't until later that everything replayed in my head that I should have seen something was very wrong.
My OB came in & started to do an internal but she yelled something to me. I can't even remember what it was....now is when I start to panic. They rushed me to the OR for an emergency c-section. I was scared but still didn't think my baby wouldn't survive.....my oldest was born at 31 weeks, he was a small little peanut weighing only 2lbs 13oz but I was 36 weeks now. The baby can survive OK, the baby SHOULD survive. But with the masked faces all around, no one saying much to me...I begged the anesthiologist if he was going to put me under it needed to be NOW. I was started to really freak out.
As I started to come to I was greated with "I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Garcia". Still my head was foggy...was he talking to me? I woke up to seeing Chris standing there red eyed, my mom sitting there also red eyed. I don't even remember who told me that my baby boy.....my little Tyler James...was gone. Then the nurse came in to tell me they were keeping him warm so when I was ready to hold him it would be less traumatic. Less traumatic?? How is that possible?
I don't know how long it was but I finally did ask to hold him. I wish I could say I was strong & counted his fingers & toes & soaked up every moment of it but the truth is I didn't. I looked at that little face, touched his cheek expecting him to wake up & then totally lost it. I just kept sobbing for my baby, apologizing to him over & over again. I don't even know who took him from my arms. Then I snapped, I went into desperate someone talk to me about anything mode. I just couldn't comprehend what I was going thru.
When my OB explained to me what happened it took days for it to really sink in. Because of a previous emergency c-section, the incision that was made (classical or vertical) was one that has a higher chance of rupturing. That is what happened & my little Tyler didn't survive. Not only did my uterus rupture but my baby fell thru....not only that but the placenta also detached. They said I had been hemmoraghing for some time & 2 more hours could have meant my life as well.
The nurses in the hospital were wonderful. They kept me in the labor & delivery wing at the very end so I wouldn't have to hear or see the moms in post partum & so I wouldn't be placed on another floor where I wouldn't get the attention & care I needed. They came in to check on me all the time, they allowed my boys to come in & to see me. But a few days later when things started to get really busy there my doc allowed me to go home earlier than planned so I wouldn't have to hear & see their celebrations of something that had been taken from me.
Then came the second most difficult thing of my life. Burying my son.
Initially I did not want his little casket open. I was afraid to see him. But when we got to the funeral home I just wanted to look at him. It was going to be the only chance I would get to look at him & see how beautiful & preious he is. With my Mary Kay girlfriends - Nicole, Kerry & Dawn - sitting with me, taking care of me, crying with me, hugging me. I somehow made it through the wake. I don't remember leaving the funeral home at all. I remember Anthony being with us. He was 9 at the time, it was his first limo ride. I remember everyone talking & joking. And I remember getting to the cemetery where the awning was set up & all the chairs waiting with his flowers....and that tiny casket. I couldn't tell you who was there (although I do know know after asking questions). I don't remember a thing about the service....the only 3 memories I have are my dad & husband having to force me to the limo, my friend Kerry leaning in to hug me while I clung to her telling her I couldn't leave him there he would be too cold and finally, seeing the tree line on the drive - all of the dead trees and thinking how everything was dead & my world was standing still.
All in all, I do have to say that I have learned a lot about myself thru all of this. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for & that I am able to help other women. It doesn't matter if they are younger or older, thinner or heavier....when you lose a child it makes no difference who you are or what you look like.
My friend Dawn told me just before Tyler's funeral that Mary Kay always said "God makes somebodies, he doesn't create nobodies" so for the short time that Tyler was with us, even if only inside me, he WAS a sombody & he touched many many lives. I have to thank Dawn for that. It is something I think about every single day.
Unfortunately my journey brought me full circle with Nicole. I was niave to think the people I cared about would be spared this pain. I am glad that I can be here for Nicole, I'm glad I can show her support but I wish with every fiber in me that I could have saved her from this.
I have 2 special poems that I would like to share:
A BRAND NEW STAR
(Author unknown)
When the darkness of the evening
Crowds away the sun's last rays
And you lift your eyes to Heaven,
You may see a brand new blaze.
It's brilliant and it's lovely,
And it's shining just for you.
It's a brand new star in heaven,
Lit to welcome someone new.
Though your days may seem much longer
Since he had to cross that line,
If you lift your eyes to Heaven,
You will see that he still shines.
It's just a soft reminder
That although he is gone
As long as you let love grow,
His little light shines on.
And though you want him in your arms,
He's safe as he can be,
for he's in the arms of angels
And most perfect company.
And even in the morning,
Stars are lost in light of day,
Your little one is shining,
and not so far away....
I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face
My mom doesn't know
I'm watching her
But I'm watching her just the same
And I hear each tear fall on her face
At the very mention of my name
She says it sounds like
music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud
I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end
and I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me with her friends
But there are few
who truly understand
oh this I've heard her proclaim
and I hear each tear falll on her face
Will my mom ever be the same?
I know her smiles light up a sky
but I don't see that smile today
oh but I hear each tear
fall on her face
Her blue skies have turned to gray
Oh I send to her my warmest hug
With the rays of the morning sun
then, i won't hear a tear on her face
For I shall erase them one by one
Yes, my mom doesn't know I'm watching
But I'm watching her just the same
And if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll softly whisper her name
~~Kaye Des'Ormeaux 2001
