Saturday, January 8, 2011

I Can't Believe It Happened to Me

I can't believe it happened to me.  I lost my baby girl at 33 weeks.  Her name is Gabriella Eve.  I love her with all my might and everyday without her is like an eternity.  I look in the mirror and see a flat stomach. No more bump, or round belly to show for my months of care and nurturing. 

It happened 3 weeks ago.  I didn't feel her moving and suspected something wasn't right.  Never in my wildest imagination did I think she would have slip away from us.  My 'worst case scenerio' was she would be born premature.  But, premature babies are born everyday and survive.  She would be born at 33 weeks; she would be fine, right? But, I was wrong! I was very wrong.  On December 19, 2010 my life changed forever. 

I am now part of a group that I never subscribed membership to.  I am now a parent who has buried their child.  I don't want to be part of this group, I don't want to be one of those parents... but, I am.  I will have to live the rest of my life knowing the pain and torment to have to say good bye before I even got a chance to say hello.  The tears are running dry and I have to figure out what is next for me and my family.  Life has seemed to slow into this holding pattern, where everyday is like the day before.  Unable to care for my son, unable to get back to my 'normal' routine, I am left to heal physically and emotionally with very little distraction from the fact that my daughter is gone and I can't do anything to change it.

My heart is numb although I know it is hurting everyday.  My soul feels empty although I know I have blessings all around me.  I thank God for so many things, my husband, my son, my family and friends; I even thank him for know me better than I know myself.  I am not angry, I am just lost for a way to put this in its place.  To make the lemonade out of the lemons I have been given. To pick myself up, dust myself off and continue to move forward with this new life I have been given, but at the same time remember and honor my daughter.  I don't want to forget, I wish I could cry everyday endlessly and give her the mourning she deserves, but that is not me. I am not able to.  Right now I just have to get past this numbness and maybe then things will be more clear.

5 comments:

  1. love you Nic. it's wonderful to have an outlet. you are surrounded by love. we will all be with you through this journey...... <3

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  2. Like Nikki said...you are not alone in this. We are here. We love you. We'll help you, we'll make the lemonade, you just have to be. I love you.

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  3. So proud of you! Thank you for having the immense courqge to share. xoxo

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  4. What a strong and giving way you have, thank you for including me in this sad but beautiful journey. I love you

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  5. I am so so very sorry you are now a member of this club that no one wants to belong to, that no one is ever invited to. If I could have protected you fromt his - you know I would have. I'm so glad you are writing this. I'm with you every single step & stumble along the way

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