It is 4 weeks later and I don't know if I feel any closer to some sense of peace. I try daily to do something, anything that feels some what 'normal'. I feel anything but normal. What is normal anyhow? I'm learning normal is only a state of mind. I suppose, normal is life as you know 'it', whatever 'it' is. And once you change that 'it' you no longer feel normal to yourself. I am learning to live with my new reality of normal. My new reality is I am the mother of one son here on earth, and a daughter who lives on in another realm.
Things will never, for me, be as I once knew them. I will always hold the memories of my pregnancy, the memories of the devastating news, and the memories of saying good bye. Even if I try to forget or pretend it didn't happen, I have all the physical reminders of my pain. There is the new scar on my abdomen, the stacks of sympathy cards, the cross on my nightstand that was placed on her casket, the stacks of books given to me about losing a baby, and so much more. There is no escaping the truth, even when I try.
I find my self counting down (or up) the days from when it happened. I don't know what I am counting. As though I am going to reach some magic number and things will just be okay. I find myself wondering what I would be doing 'right now' if Gabriella was still alive, if I were still pregnant. Would I be preparing her room? Would I be washing her clothes? Or would I just feel more motivated to do anything? Would I be myself as I once knew myself? Then other times, I wonder what if she was born, born early. Where would I be? In the hospital daily with my daughter? Would she be sick or fighting for her life? Or would she be home with me and I would be reliving the sleep deprivation I experienced in the early month of my son's life? But, wondering doesn't change a thing. Wondering just makes it harder. But, it is hard to control my mind.
I look at this blog as an opportunity to learn something, to express myself, to open up a window into my life and come to a place of understanding that I can live with. As I write each one, they come from my heart. They aren't well thought out, nor do I pain over every word or how it sounds or reads. I realize today that some days I am incline to write about what it was like for me, through my eyes, and other days, like today, where I am just looking to find out where I am going with this all. I think that writing about it will help me find the way. Today I am wondering if there is a 'way', or if I am just to burn up the time as I search from my new normal.
All I know for sure, is while I count the days looking for an end date, the end is not in sight. I have only just begun this journey and this new life. I have been detoured from how I thought I would live and 'know' life. So, now, I begin again, all over again. I feel like I have been reincarnated into this new life, new reality, and now I must relearn everything all over again. Ironically, my husband and I have a motto among ourselves, "ancaro imparo." It is Italian for I'm still learning. And it's it true? I am always going to be learning. Life isn't something that doesn't have any definitives. Nothing is guaranteed! We aren't able to count anything. The unexpected is going to come our way. Even if the unexpected is something as severe as having a stillborn.