Monday, January 10, 2011

Day 22

There are still so many things I need to share. It is hard to figure out where to go next.
Some days the words flow as though it is time to get them out; other times not so much. Maybe some words are ready to come out, and maybe other words I am not ready to reveal.

This morning I woke up with swollen eyes, as though I had been crying all night, I hadn't. I thought maybe the tears I am not able to give my daughter during the day are coming out as I sleep.  Maybe as I sleep my soul cries. I make up explanations for some things, it makes me feel better, considering there is so many things for which I have no explanation.

One thing I do understand is my physical limits.  I am so frustrated in my inability, physically, not to be able to get back to my 'normal' routine. However, being this was my 2nd c-section in less than 14 months, I am not taking any chances. My mother has stayed in town to help me. Originally she was suppose to stay for the holidays and then to help me get ready for the baby "G". She was suppose to be born on January 28th.  We would refer to Gabriella as baby "G", because while I was pregnant we hadn't settled on her name but, knew it would start with a "G".  We were to move the rooms around, paint, set up the crib, wash the clothes, prepare the changing table, buy the mobile and all those other things you do when you are expecting a new baby in the house. Now instead we are breaking things down and preparing to return to the stores the items we did buy: her bedding, her 'take home' outfit, headbands, diapers and such.  I feel like instead of preparing for a joyful event, I am removing the evidence of her existence. I am tearing down the pieces of a life that would never be apart of this world. I wonder if it is too soon, or not soon enough to begin to take away the preparations we made for our daughter to join our family.  I try to think logically, "it has to be done at some point". But, I worry about the emotional effects of removing the 'stuff' too soon, but then again what about the emotional effects of keeping it too long? Welcome to my world.  These are the things that plague my mind these days.  All the same, there are bags of returns waiting at the front door.  My hope and wish is they find their way into happier homes.

This brings me to a couple other things I have to figure out.  How will I answer the next person who asks me how many children do you have? What do I say when I run into someone who asks 'so you had your baby?'
I am not posing these questions to solicit advice or get answers from anyone. It is something I will need to figure out on my own as time goes by.  As the days are turning into weeks and will eventually turn into months, I am face with new challenges every day.


  1. nicole, though i cant say i know what you are going through, please know that i am here for you for whatever you need, goat cheese, wine and chocolate included! i have no words of wisdom but i am always a phone call away. our friendship since high school grows stronger still and bears the crosses of our hardships.

  2. honey, this is the one question that hurts me even 6 years much is too much information to give? How do I not include my 3rd son?
    {{{{hugs}}} I understand completely