Friday, January 28, 2011

Happy Birthday

I know my baby died before she was even born, but today would have been her birthday. There is a melancholy tone about me today.  The only thing that truly made me smile was my son.

How do you celebrate a birthday that never happened? I woke up this morning thinking 'someone else is having my baby today,' meaning, someone else took my appointment for their c-section at the hospital today.  At about 11am I was thinking, I should be holding be daughter right about now.  Enjoying her, sharing my pride with my husband and wondering how will I ever manage a newborn and a 15 month old.  Instead, I had none of that.  I had a pleasant lunch with a dear friend. A friend who would have been Gabriella's godmother. Shopped for a gift for my husband's birthday and went home to act normal for my little boy.  Now that he is in bed and sleeping, I don't know what to do.  I want to cry, I want to scream, but, nothing is coming out. All I feel is the heaviness of my heart.

Today should have been day one of a beautiful life. 
I am speechless and a bit hopeless today.  I wish it could have been different, but it is not.
I couldn't even go to the cemetery today in fear all of the snow would make it impossible to find her barely marked gravesite.  Honestly, the very thought of her in the ground beneath all this snow is overwhelming.  All I can think is, my baby is freezing.  I know she is not, but, that is what I think.  She should be in my warm arms, not in a cold grave.

I wonder years from now, what date will I remember the most, the day we lost her or the day she should have been born.  I suppose only time will tell. But, for today I will think of this as her birthday.  Happy Birthday little baby, happy birthday precious angel.  If I could have wish on your day it would be that today had went as planned, that we would be laying in a hospital bed right now together, that you would have met your big brother, and you would have been here tomorrow for your father's birthday.  We miss you.

1 comment:

  1. All my heart, Nicole. SO melancholy...I am so sorry that you're not having that experience today, but this one. I know there's a plan -- somewhere, but O Nicole...

    Love, Hugs, Prayers, and Peace.