Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Autopsy

Well, after 6 long weeks of waiting, I am sad to say we know nothing new.  The gambit of tests they ran on the placenta and all the cultures from the autopsy are negative. Nothing from the gross autopsy either.  This leaves us with the wonder of could it have been a cord accident? A cord accident is when the baby (or in medical terms, the fetus) some how pinches off the flow of blood through the cord, thus depriving itself from oxygen. The result is death.  Seriously, I am left to say 'WTF'.... really now, it is 2011.  How do perfectly healthy babies die in the womb from some thing so simple? With all of the technology available is there no way to predict or prevent if a baby will have a cord accident??? I am so angry at the thought that Gabriella suffocated herself, again, 'WTF'!!! 

I still can not believe this is my life. I can't believe I had to sit in a doctor's office to review the results of my daughter's autopsy.  I feel like I am living someone else's life, some one less fortunate than I.  There are so many times that I feel like I am having an outer body experience. Like I am watching a movie of myself.  I felt this the most at her wake and funeral.  I was following me.  I was there, physically, but some how I was removed from myself and seeing all that was happening as though I was a spirit following myself around.  I, my spirit body, was never far from my physical body, but I was I not in there. I felt the same way reviewing these results.  Who am I? When I experience this state of being, I think, "who am I?" I don't even feel like I know the person I am watching.  I can see how some people under tremendous pressure and stress could experience having multiply personalities.  The only difference is I am aware of the two self's I am experiencing at the same time.  Talk about a trip.  Of course, when I talk to people about what I am experiencing, I am told it is 'normal'.  There it is again that word 'normal'. Seems like nothing when it comes to grief is abnormal, aside from thoughts of hurting yourself or others.  Luckily, I have none of those feelings.  Quite honestly, I don't have room for any more emotions than I currently have. My plate is full.

I can't begin to describe what it is like to not know the cause of the death of your child.  I think sometimes not knowing is a mercy from God.  Would knowing be worse? What if it was a bacteria from something I ate? How would I have felt then? Would knowing in that case cause me more comfort or more pain?  I don't know if I could handle anymore pain.  That is why I think God is merciful. 

Nonetheless, it is what it is, Gabriella is gone.  Of course, now the gambit of tests is turned to me.  I am going for a special test where apparently they are going to draw 17 vials of blood. 17!!! They told me to eat before hand and have someone take me because I may not be able to drive home.  Seriously? Yes, in deed. I am now forced to become a human pin cushion, in the hopes that I will never have to lose another baby again. 

When I was first told that her heart had stopped beating, along with being shocked and sad, I was terrified.  I thought, 'how am I ever going to be able to do this again?'  Getting through the first trimester is hard enough.  And coming from a background of two miscarriages, I am especially nervous.  Now, I'm going to have to get through an entire pregnancy knowing that at any moment I could lose the baby. The mere thought of this is enough to throw me into an anxiety attack.  I can't begin to imagine how I will cope when I am living it.  I often think, ignorance is indeed, bliss.  I was so blissfully ignorant to all of these new found realities I have come to know as my life.  It was so much easier to believe I was a sympathetic person, rather than having to walk in the shoes of the people I myself  'pitied'.  I see the world through a new set of eyes now.  I see how delicate life is and how in an instant it can be taken. I know how quickly your life can be changed forever. How all the years of developing into who we become can be changed.  I don't know if I will ever be the same.  I don't know if I ever want to be the same.

5 comments:

  1. Wish I had magic words of comfort...wish I was able to come over and give you a hug, or make you laugh...I am so sorry that my dear friend is going through this...
    all my love

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  2. It is not for us to know all the answers as to Why?, What if? Just know, HE and only HE is in control. Never lose faith and know everything happens for a reason. I miss my niece every day and think of her non stop. But, I have faith God has a reason, even if I do not know the answer.

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  3. nicole,words can not describe how i feel for you and Thad right now. just KNOW that everything happens for a reason.....it may not make sense but HE has a plan for all of us! and for some reason HE needs Gabriella with him. She was meant to watch over you and Thad and Dominic and to help guide you all in the right direction. She will always be a part of your lives. Of all of our lives. Please do not dwell on what if's...only HE knows how or why. just know that you have a beautiful family..a loving husband and a fabulous and healthy son...and that you are blessed...we love you!!

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  4. oh honey, you will never be the same again. You look in the mirror & see the same person but behind those eyes is someone who has lived thru something no mother should ever have to experience.
    We had this conversation, knowing means nothing. The search for answers feels right because it's something to do but once you have the answers - then what? Having them cant change anything.
    I love you very very much and am SO proud of you for blogging!

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  5. God's mercy and grace will help you until you hold her again..........I pray you peace that never ends, comfort without limits, and love for every moment.

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