I went to the cemetery today. I was so proud of myself that I was able to find my way to my little one with ease. Then I realized how sad it was that I haven't been there enough times to know my way around yet. I pull up the the baby section, Holy Innocents, and there was a grounds crew there clearly either digging a grave or covering one up, I immediately thought, "that poor family". Another family is knowing the pain of losing a baby. It is so sad, heartbreaking in fact.
The winter has the ability to make an already unpleasant thing to do, all the more unpleasant. I am not saying I go to the cemetery to upset myself. On the contrary, I go to find some peace. The unpleasant part is the simple fact that is where I have to go to have a physical connection with my daughter. Even with snow covering the graves like a white blanket, I could easily find Gabriella. Her flowers are still there, the ones from her funeral. While I was there I realized how many more times I will be coming to this very place. I realized in years to come, I will be exactly where I am right now, at my daughter's grave. I looked around at all the other small gravesites, many of which are adorned with flowers, stuffed animals, other memorial type items. I notice the dates on a few of the grave markers that were peeking through the snowy blanket, and realize these families have been coming here for years. I flash forward in my mind to a year from now, three years, ten years. I will forever be drawn to this place because this is where my daughter is. I will get older and older, and I will still be going there. And one day, no doubt, I will be there as an old lady and see a young mother like myself crying over her child's grave just at the beginning of her journey. Then I thought, how when I die I will want to be buried with her. I won't want to be away from her. I would want the same thing I want now, for us to be together. Since that is not possible now, one day it will be. So I asked her to play with the other children for now and that one day we can be together.
Now, I am just anxious for the warmer weather to come and the snow to melt. I want to go to the cemetery and sit there with her. Maybe read her a book or bring her a gift. Or perhaps, I want to go there and sit on the ground and just know she is right beneath me. I am looking forward to planting her a garden and making her space beautiful. I look forward to her permanent marker (grave marker) to come in and be put in place. It may seem strange that I am looking forward to some of these things, but, to me it is sort of like getting her room ready and putting on the finishing touches. I didn't get to paint her room, set up her crib or wash her clothes. What I can do is make the space that she does have, special.