Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Self Doubt

I often wonder if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of Gabriella's fate.  What if I took better care of myself? What if I was nicer to people? What if I was more insistent with my doctor? What if I had asked different questions? What if, what if, what if? My logical side tells me that self doubt and 'what ifs' are just a stupid waste of time.  But, my heart, my sorrow, can't help but wonder.

Throughout the day, I find myself doing the very thing I don't want to do, thinking.  I can't even imagine how many hours I spend day-dreaming about Gabriella.  From what ifs, to reliving those moments that have changed my life forever, to what would I be doing now if she was here... But, no amount of day-dreaming is making a difference, she is gone, I am sad.  I think the vail of numbness is starting to lift.  I have been tearing up more and more.  The past few weeks I have found it hard, sometimes impossible to cry.  During those times I feel so helpless and frustrated.  I almost feel guilty when I am able to talk to someone about her and feel my face being almost indifferent.  I feel like stone.  Almost like I am reporting something as matter of fact as the weather.  But do not be fooled, I am not stone and I am not indifferent.

Well, if it is a vail of numbness that has been upon me this past 6 weeks, it leaves me to wonder, what is next? How bad is the pain to come? I am about to return to my doctor for my 6 week postpartum check up. I am feeling such anxiety about this milestone.  I don't know if it is external pressure or internal pressure, that leaves me with the feeling that if I am healed physically, then I may be expected to be healed emotionally.  As my physical healing comes to completion, I have an unnerving suspicion that the emotional journey may just be beginning.  Soon, I will be able to return to my normal activities, thus returning to my 'normal' routine.  How will I handle this? Soon I will be alone.  My mother will return to Florida, my husband is back at school full-time and working, it will be me and Dominic.  I am so worried that I fall to pieces.  Yet, as concerned as I am, I know I need to be 'normal' again. I keep reminding myself, if I fall, there will be people to help me. If I fall, I can call out for help.  I don't need someone with me 24 hours a day in order to cope... or do I? I am a survivor, I know I can do it, but again, what if?

4 comments:

  1. Oh love...I don't think you'll ever be 'over' this. Who would want to? I don't mean that every day you're still wallowing, but grief is a real human feeling that cannot be pushed aside. There will be days when you are totally happy, weeks even. But then, when you're not expecting it, it'll come up again. And is that so bad? Should we always be happy? Shouldn't we be sad sometimes too? There is no doubt that you will be able to move forward...without closing the past's door. She's not going anywhere. She's right there with you and yours. And she will be ALL the time.
    Physical pain - smchyiscial pain. You'll get a scar. It's nothing. It's emotional pain that is always going to be there and be a huge part of us. The scar never fades over time. But that's how you're continually being shaped in His image...She's helping Him. This is what I believe. Wholeheartedly. You are loved.

    SO you fall to pieces...PLEASE. That's motherhood. Dominic is going to see you fall apart. He needs to. That's how he'll learn. He'll learn from you as you put the peices back together. And you'll do that well, that's who you are.

    You are a beautiful person. Not a hunk of junk just floating...
    And you are loved.

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  2. You will be ok. You won't fall apart. You will have moments but you will get through them. While my situation can't be compared to yours, I did what I had to do for my child and so will you and overtime it will get easier.

    And you are right. You can call out for help and we will be here to help you. Always.

    We love you

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  3. http://zenhabits.net/conquer-self-doubt/

    since i dont think i have good advice, i offer you somebody elses

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  4. i am right here when you feel like you are falling. I will catch you & hug you & be there

    ReplyDelete