I often wonder if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of Gabriella's fate. What if I took better care of myself? What if I was nicer to people? What if I was more insistent with my doctor? What if I had asked different questions? What if, what if, what if? My logical side tells me that self doubt and 'what ifs' are just a stupid waste of time. But, my heart, my sorrow, can't help but wonder.
Throughout the day, I find myself doing the very thing I don't want to do, thinking. I can't even imagine how many hours I spend day-dreaming about Gabriella. From what ifs, to reliving those moments that have changed my life forever, to what would I be doing now if she was here... But, no amount of day-dreaming is making a difference, she is gone, I am sad. I think the vail of numbness is starting to lift. I have been tearing up more and more. The past few weeks I have found it hard, sometimes impossible to cry. During those times I feel so helpless and frustrated. I almost feel guilty when I am able to talk to someone about her and feel my face being almost indifferent. I feel like stone. Almost like I am reporting something as matter of fact as the weather. But do not be fooled, I am not stone and I am not indifferent.
Well, if it is a vail of numbness that has been upon me this past 6 weeks, it leaves me to wonder, what is next? How bad is the pain to come? I am about to return to my doctor for my 6 week postpartum check up. I am feeling such anxiety about this milestone. I don't know if it is external pressure or internal pressure, that leaves me with the feeling that if I am healed physically, then I may be expected to be healed emotionally. As my physical healing comes to completion, I have an unnerving suspicion that the emotional journey may just be beginning. Soon, I will be able to return to my normal activities, thus returning to my 'normal' routine. How will I handle this? Soon I will be alone. My mother will return to Florida, my husband is back at school full-time and working, it will be me and Dominic. I am so worried that I fall to pieces. Yet, as concerned as I am, I know I need to be 'normal' again. I keep reminding myself, if I fall, there will be people to help me. If I fall, I can call out for help. I don't need someone with me 24 hours a day in order to cope... or do I? I am a survivor, I know I can do it, but again, what if?