Saturday, February 12, 2011

Denial

I have found myself in recent nights, wondering if I am in denial.  I feel it is a thin line between acceptance and denial.  I know my daughter died, I know I buried her, I just can't believe it... How do you accept something like this? In the beginning, the visions of her in my arms, at the funeral home and the funeral itself, were so real. Now, as the weeks pass and turn to months, they are more like a bad dream.  I see them in my mind's eye in a haze.  They are not clear.  I think this adds to my feelings, or should I say concerns, of being in denial. 

While I have read denial is a natural and normal part of grieving.  I am not so sure I am 'normal' in my grieving process.  I also know without taking the proper steps towards acceptance and healing, I am going to risk this process being prolonged and perhaps rearing its ugly head at an unsuspecting, inconvenient time.  I ponder, whether or not this is a control issue.  Maybe I am trying to control my grief rather than accepting the process.  But, who in there right mind, would want to accept the process of grieving over their lost child? There is nothing natural about burying your child.  It is a tragedy no parent should be subjected to. However, it is a reality, babies and children die, everyday.  So maybe it is more imaginable than one might think.  I guess the point is, it isn't something you want to thing think about. 

How am I to determine if I am denial? If I am grieving in a healthy manner? I struggle with this agonizing thought daily.  Why can't I let this thought go? Why am I so concerned? Why can't I just be?  Last night, while lying in bed, with the television on, I thought about all of the daily distractions I have.  Television being one of the top ones.  Even as I write, right now, the television is on in the background.  I started to wonder what life would be like 150 years ago, in silence.  Nothing to distract me on those long, late nights.  Would I be more productive, more sad, or happier? I am almost considering unplugging the televisions in the house.  Maybe then I will just be. And maybe just being is what I need most right now. 

But, how can I just be when I have a little boy? He is a bundle of energy that needs a lot of attention and stimulation.  When I am looking to reduce stimulation how can a happy medium be found?  I want to sit in silence.  Me silent, what a new thought.  Mediation and reflection sounds golden to me right now.  And as golden as it sounds, it scared me so much.  What I might find in that silence may be much more than I bargain for.  I may find a deeper pain and hurt than I am willing, able and ready to take on. Maybe I won't find the peace I am desperately looking for.  That thin line, is a real, so clear and present, always.

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