Friday, July 26, 2013

And so it begins... again!

It is hard to say how time goes on and yet stands still at the same time.  Since I last wrote, so much has changed in my life.  I have been blessed with a beautiful little girl, we moved to another state, and my son is growing up so fast.  With all that being said, there are times when I am pulled back to the most life changing time in my life.  As while Gabriella is in our lives everyday, life is going on.  I try so hard not to be defined by my loss.  It is so hard.  How do could you ignore or deny your left arm? Your leg? Or your heart? They are apart of you, apart of your daily functioning.  And yet daily, I am in situations where I have to decide whether or not to bring Gabriella to the forefront of my day through conversation or some other way. 

In my bereavement group, those of us who are a year plus into our loss, we call ourselves and are considered veterans.  The pain changes, the challenges change too.  And while we move on, we are not without obstacles to us living the 'normal' life we once knew.  How do you move on? Quite simply, you don't. You embrace the loss and understand in embracing it you live with it.  Our little ones have meaning to us always. 

Now, here I stand at another crossroad in my life- what do I do now? I worked through the grief and moved on.  We are family of four now in the eyes of those who don't know us, complete with a little boy and little girl, here in this realm.  Having our second daughter was a time that called for strength.  We did it.  And now as the dust settles, the baby now being just about 4 months, and we physically leaving behind the place where it all happened, I need to rediscover and redefine myself once again.

I now live in a place where most people do not know me or my story.  I am forced to make new friends and socialize with people I don't want to know.  My safety and security of home is gone.  I am feeling alone and bored.  I have no desire to get close to anyone.  The people who I am close to now live 1100 miles away.  Why would I want to start over? Quite frankly I don't. I have to desire.  I guess I will have to fugure that out.

My Pampered Chef business is at a stand still, having no momentum here and literally starting over.  My income has suffered as well and I question if this opportunity was a 'season' rather then a 'life time' event in my life.  Ican not believe stability is not something I can find in my life.  And more than anything it is the thing I long for the most.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Readiness

Of late, I have been reflecting on this past year and how much my life has changed.  Of all the questions I have been asked over this past year, the one that stands out the most and to me is the most important, was posed to me by my aunt.  She asked me, 'how do you remain so positive and in such a good place after such a loss.'  Some of you may remember reading about it over the summer.

I too am amazed that I am not a complete basket case and wreck, even immediately following the loss of Gabriella. If you were to be told as you entered adulthood that you were going to face a loss, like losing a child, I would bet your response would be one of terror and your expectations of yourself and your reactions would be to a lower standard than that of how you would actually function.  For me, I know I would have told you that they would be peeling me off the floor if I lost a child.  And on the contrary, I walked, and I walked proudly to have even been her mother, even if for just that short time.  Now, being in the position I am in, I have come to know many bereaved parents.  We all have a different story and we all have walk our paths at different paces.  But, one thing that remains the same is the strength we never knew we have and never even asked for.  We became survivors. 

I know for myself, a lot of that strength was built up, years in the making.  I didn't even know I was preparing.  I am truly blessed to have had the experiences I had prior to losing my baby.  They have made all the difference for me.  They prepared me for the greatest challenge I have faced so far in this life.  And while some may find it odd, I am at peace.  I am finally believing and feeling all those words and sentiments, I thought and spoke of a year ago.  A year ago, I knew things would be okay, but, I didn't know how. A year ago, I feel grateful to have had her at all.  A year ago, I didn't challenge my maker.  Today, I whole heartily know, I am okay, I am totally and completely grateful and today, I love my maker even more than have.  My life has more of a purpose today than it ever has. My life is more fulfilling and my life is more clear.  I am so much happier in my own skin, more confident in myself and more aware of love.  All these gifts were bestowed on me by a tragic hand.  How blessed am I to be able to see it so clearly? I am ready for the next steps in my life's journey and I am hopeful that my experience will continue to keep my eyes as well as my heart open for the great things to come.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I can't believe...still

It is almost a year ago that I found out that I lost my little girl... I can't believe it still.  Last year at this time, I was in holiday mood and the festivities were actually festive.  I was busy with my plans for after the holidays, that would be my preparation for my baby to come home.  A year ago, at this time, I was full with belly and proud to be so.  I was carrying well and daughter was a busy little acrobat. 

Today I can't believe it happened to me still.  I can't believe I am still a bereaved parent, and now after a year of my life has been spent grieving I think the acceptance process may begin.  I know early on, it may have seemed that I 'accepted' the lose, but, truly by accepting it I simply was not rejecting the notion of it.  Now accepting it means something different.  It means realizing she is gone and never coming back.  And I think that is the most frustrating, sad and lonely part for me.  All the tears in the world will not put her back in my arms.  And it is so hard to believe, but, I think I am starting to realize I have to.

An entire year has past and nothing has changed and all the same life has gone on.  And it is so hard because apart of doesn't want life to go on.  Apart of me wants to be in that moment forever, while my baby was still apart of me, inside of me and with me.  I don't want to lose her even though I already have. 

Anger is a more identifiable emotion for me now.  I am a bit angry that I can't change it and this entire year has taught me it is real.  With every 'first' that has past, it has become more and more real... she is gone.  Our first family wedding back was hard for me, our Easter holiday away from the area, our first family vacation, Dominic's birthday, preparing the Christmas tree and making holiday cookies all together, all reinforces that fact that we are one short.  And in my mind, in my heart there should be a little girl crawling around, getting under foot and preparing for a first living birthday.

I wonder how the years to come will be and how it will change over time.  Will the joy of the holidays ever be there for us, for our family? I wonder when will that day come that I am not thinking of her all the time.  Will there ever be a day I don't remember her or think of her? And how will that effect me? Will my heart always feel the emptiness?

How I am different now compared to then, I don't know if I can surmise.  I can only say I don't think I will ever by the same, I don't know if I would want to be.  All I do know, is these days are hard and don't like them.

Anger and Renewal

I'm sorry if my grief makes you uncomfortable.  Imagine how I feel!
Please stop waiting for me to change or get better and consider this just may be who I am now.  You may not like it but that is okay.  As long as I can manage and live with myself  you are not of my consquence. Can you walk in my shoes and live my life?  I am not up for apologizing for being, I just am.  I am! Maybe not how you knew me or want to know me, but here I stand, slightly a mess, but still proud that I can still stand, unassisted and without fear.  I face each day with a hopfulness that today will be better.  Imagine my dismay when it is not.  And yet each day I wake and start over.  I have learned to relish in the small triumphs, let the rest fall where it may, and having faith God will take care of the rest.  And yet you can stand in judgement of my tears and evaluate my hurt and my pain because you don't like it. If I could I would trade it all to have my life back to what it was and have my child in my arms, but I can not.  Rather than worry about me, count your blessings and search your heart for the reason you think I need something more.  Do I, or do you need to feel better? Yes, I struggle I have terrible days and I weap for my loss, but still I live and I am  and will continue to be.  Maybe not what you want for me, but what I was meant to be and how God has make me.