Friday, April 29, 2011

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a Survivor
by: Kaye Des'Ormeaux
My mom is a survivor, Or so I have heard it said.
But I can hear her crying When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night And go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her To help her understand.
But like the sands upon the beach That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others... A smile of disguise.
But through heaven’s open door I see tears flowing from her eyes
My mom tries to cope with my death To keep my memory alive.
But to anyone who knows her Knows it’s her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom Through heaven’s open door...
I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn’t help her... Or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, talk to her... And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says... No matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart That time won’t ever heal.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A New Poem

In the silence Mom & Dad you hear me,
In the silence I am here.
In the silence you can feel me,
In the silence it is clear.
That my spirit hasn't left you,
I am just a thought away.
You can see me in the shadows,
Anytime you look my way.
Look for me in the sunshine,
And in the stars at night,
In the wind, trees, and flowers,
Everything that is in sight.
Talk to me, say my name,
Know that I am still here.
In my death I have a new life,
And one day it will be clear.
So talk to me and look for me,
In everything you do,
For I really haven't gone so far away,
I am really right next to you.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Sleepless

I can't sleep.  I really wish I could.  I feel like the flood gates have opened and I can't stop thinking about her.  I am very tender emotional right now and am not sure why.  I don't know how to deal with this see-saw I am on.

Last night I had a great night with my husband, a date night.  We had a fantastic time and really connected.  Prior to going out, I had a massage and a chiropractic adjustment.  I was sure I would sleep well.  And even thought my physical body is feeling less tension and holding less stress, my mind is tight and full with the pain my physical body was carrying.  I thought if I relax my physical body, my mind would follow suit, it hasn't.  I feel almost worse than I did before.  I am feeling confused.  It is like an oxymoron.  My body is so much more relaxed than it has been in weeks and yet I can't enjoy it. 

So, here I am. Sitting up at 4:23am, sleepless, when all I really want to do is rest.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Good Days/Bad Days

While, as life moves on, so do I.  I don't have the luxury of being stuck in the moment.  Unfortunately sometimes I think I am fooling myself.  There are days that I feel like I am doing great and am on top of the world.  Sometimes, I even feel enlightened as though I have learned something about life so few get a chance to learn.  Those are the good days.  Then, there are the bad days.

It is amazing to me how much the pendulum swings.  I sometimes feel like I am two different people wrapped in one.  On the bad days, there is sadness, anxiety and emptiness.  Sometimes, I feel like I am right back at the beginning, alone in a hospital room with the reality that my baby is dead.  When I went to the hospital that night, it was late and very dark out.  But, the hospital room seems so bright. It was eerily illuminated.  It was almost as if the entire world was pitch black except that one room.  As though, if you were looking down from space, you would see nothing but the shadowy outline of the earth and one bright light coming from that hospital room.  In all my emotional darkness, it is funny that I remember the brightness of the light.  Now that I think about it, it was obviously artificial.  That night, I couldn't help but feel a lack of comfort from the light. It was almost yellow, and lacked the warmth of natural light; Not the physical warmth but the emotional warmth.  The fake light only added to the feeling that this wasn't real and made it seem all the more removed and impossible to be true.

I excepted to be sad and weepiness the first few weeks and months.  But, as my overall mood has lightened, I am finding it harder to deal with the unexpected sadness that hits when I am least expecting it.  The past few days have been full of the unexpected.  Sunday April 3rd was suppose to be her Christening date.  While I had planned to mark the day in some way. However, I actually had come upon that weekend with no conscience thought of the Christening.  It wasn't until I was sitting in church that very morning and they read the name of the baby's that were christened the week prior that it hit me.  "I shouldn't be here," I thought. "I should be at home dressing my daughter in her gown and preparing for the day ahead."  Instead I was sitting there empty handed and crying on my friend's shoulder.    I don't know how I could have forgotten this day.  I quickly recovered and forgive myself for it slipping my mind and tried to make the best of the day.  A trip to the cemetery and a big family Sunday dinner was going to be enough for me to feel good about the slip, but, the sadness of the day stood with me all day.

Then there was having to go to the high risk doctor's office with copies of my blood work and her autopsy results for them to review prior to my upcoming appointment.  The office happens to be in the hospital where we learned we lost Gabriella. The last time I was in that office, I was happily pregnant and expecting in 8 weeks.  Walked into a waiting room of blooming mother's to be, and there I was.  When I spoke to the receptionist, I found myself trying to whisper that I have my records and her autopsy report as not to scared the other women in the room. How would I have felt if I was sitting there with my baby safely inside, and I heard a woman come in with her baby's autopsy results.  I started to tear up and as I walked out and down the hall to the exit the building, I realized, I was here 3 months ago, for the worst days in my life. That was the last time had my baby with me.  Being within those walls, brought a flood of emotions.  A seemingly innocent day can turn ugly quickly some days.

I am angry.  I having been yet, but, I am angry I have to be in this position.  I am sorry for myself, that I have to go through this.  And even still I would not trade place with anyone.  I would not burden anyone else to carry this cross.  I wish there was a magic potion to take it all away and erase my memory.  To have blissfully ignorance of not to know what can go wrong.  This is a roller coaster ride that will never end.  I wish I could get off it.  And even as I make my wish, I feel a guilt about it.  If my wishes were reality, my daughter then would not have existed and I would not have loved her and that is something I could live with.

I am making friends that are like me, friends who understand.  Not to minimize my fantastic friends and family (I know they understand). I need to bond with other women who know my pain first hand.  And I think I am find some of those women.  I wish we could build our friendship on a different foundation.  I hope we can find a support in each other that will make these difficult days more bearable; this is my prayer for now- bearable days.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

GAPS Bereavement Group

Thank you to everyone! I am finding a new family with you all and appreciate you all!!