As I sit here, I wonder if this blog will ultimately be a 2 part journal entry. Today my mother is returning back home to Florida. She has been kind enough to stay to help with Dominic and bridge the gap during my physical recovery and as I begin my emotional journey. She has been there through it all. The heartbreaking telephone call with the awful news, the wake, the funeral, the breakdowns, the trips to the cemetery, and the quiet time when there were no words.
Last night, I felt the anxiety begin to set in. After today at about 12pm I will be alone. I will go back to my days of just me and Dominic, as Thad fulfills his obligations of school and work. Since Dominic was 6 months old, I had been pregnant with Gabriella. I known more of his life being pregnant than not. I always knew by this time we would be going through an adjustment period thinking it would be to welcome a new baby girl into our home. Now the adjustment is going to be much different, one I can not image, and one I am not necessarily looking forward to. Life is going to have to settle in without Gabriella here on earth. I wondered how will I will weather this storm without the constant distraction of having continuous on the spot help and support? Quite frankly, I am a bit terrified.
I am going to try to be strong. I am going to try to talk myself through this. I am hoping I am as strong as everyone tells me I am. I am however, going to allow myself to cry and take the time to adjust because I know in my mind that is what my heart is going to need.
In the meantime, I would like to say thank you to my mother for giving all that she has had to give during this time of tragedic mourning. It is so very much appreciated. I love you.