Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dedicated to Tyler James

I am dedicating this blog to the precious baby angel, Tyler James. Tyler was born sleeping on January 8, 2005. Survived by a loving mother, father and two older brothers. Rest peacefully sweet baby and continue to help the other babies find there way in heaven.

I have often reflected back to 6 years ago, when I was there for a dear friend of mine when she buried her son, Tyler James.  Her circumstance as to how she lost him was somewhat different from mine.  On second thought, it was not all that different at all.  She too never had the privilege to hear her baby cry or hold a warm body.  The one notable difference is that she knew how and why she lost him. But, as we have discussed, knowing 'how' or 'why' doesn't take away any of the pain.

I was a Mary Kay consultant, I remember being at a Mary Kay event, and hearing the news that she had lost her baby. Another rep and I who were close in our MK circle, could only wonder what had gone wrong and how horrible and heartbroken she must feel.  My imagination wasn't able to even begin to bring me to feel the depth of pain and sorrow, I now know, what she was feeling. 

I went to her son's memorial service and accompanied them, with their friends and family, to the cemetery to lay her precious son to rest.  At the time, I could not believe what was happening.  I didn't have children back then, and the idea of losing a child was something I couldn't relate to. It was incomprehensible to me.  Sad to say, even with the most sincerest of intentions, I could not empathize with my friend.  I just knew that it must 'suck' and I felt bad.  All I could do was sit there, and hold her hand, so that is what I did. I sat there and held her hand as we cried in front of his casket. 

For all the years, between then and now, I have said, going to an infant's funeral is the worse thing to experience in the world.  There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself to see that teeny tiny casket, or the infant, looking as peaceful as a sleeping newborn, lying in it.  I recall remembering this clearly, the first time my husband told me the funeral home had an infant.  I shared with him my experience, and my heartfelt sympathy for the family.  My sympathy came from what my dear friend went through, and at the time being pregnant with my son, how heartbroken I would be if I lost him.  Of course, at the time, there was no way I could have known that one day we would share the same fate. 

One of the first people I reached out to when I lost Gabriella was Tina, my friend.  In a Facebook email, that I sent through my blackberry from the hospital, I told her of my unfortunate news and asked her to help me.  I didn't know what to do, or even how to begin to cope.  Sure thing quick as a whip, she called me and the very same day she was there.  I cry, even now, thinking of her coming up to the hospital to see me.  Here we were, two bereaved mothers...two bereaved mothers, unbelievable.  And as I sat and held her hand all those years ago, she sat and now held mine.  She has been a tremendous part of my journey. She has helped me to take steps toward healing and accepting. When I am at my lowest points, she reassures me and provides me with the comfort I need.  She lets me know, while I will never be the same again, I will in fact be alright. She reminds me when I forget that Gabriella is not alone, and that Tyler is with her.

For all that she has done for me, directly and indirectly, I thank her.  Thank you for caring, understanding, reacting, and continuing to provide me with support.  Thank you for teaching how to be an angel mommy. I hope and pray that we will continue to support each other, visit our babies together, and help others together. Now and always you will be apart of my heart and Tyler will be apart of my prayers. Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. I love you so very much Nicole. Gabriella will never be alone, she is with you every day just as Tyler is with me and both watch over all of us that love them.
    I wish you never had to live this, you should have been protected....but you will be OK, you & Gabirella will help other angel mommies thru, your amazing gift of sharing & words will help others to understand this is our forever. It doesn't go away but we can move forward one step at a time, one breath at a time.
    I am so blessed to have you in my life