Saturday, March 19, 2011

3 Long Months

I try to write a bit on the monthly anniversary of this life changing event.  In some ways, 3 months feels like it has come and gone so quickly and in another, it feels like a lifetime.  As I reflect back on these 3 months, I can only feel blank.  Nothing. I don't know how to feel about the fact of the matter is 3 months ago, I lost my daughter. 

I can't say that I feel angry, but I'm certainly not happy about it.  But, because I am coming to terms with things I don't have the overwhelming sadness I once had.  I was thinking about the heaviness of the initial sadness the other day.  It is such an enormous weight.  It is so heavy, you move around in slow motion it seems.  But, after experiencing this type of loss, not many things seems to be as urgent as they once were.  The heaviness lifts.  I remember people telling that it would.  I wasn't sure if I believed them at the time, but, I did trust them.  I think mine started lifting move quickly than for others. While it hasn't completely gone away, I feel much lighter.

I am still trying to think of a word that describes what I feel, and I am still drawing a blank.  I almost want to say indifference, but, that isn't entirely accurate.  But, it is, what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it.  Recently, someone close to me didn't wanted me to know they were in the hospital.  I hear it was said, "she has enough going on... don't worry her." But, you see the problem with trying to "protect" me is, you can't. This is my life.  I am not going through a 'tough' time. This is my life, the good, the bad and the ugly.  And how do you protect someone from life?  If I were studying for a test, or at a work conference, or involved in some other temporary state of being or activity, then I would understand, maybe even agree.  But, no, this isn't the case.  Life doesn't let you choose your poison.  You just take it, and where you go from there is up to you.  My life will never be the same again. There will always be a 'before Gabriella' and 'after Gabriella' marker in my mind when I think back on my life.  I can't imagine how anyone could go through this and come out the same person.  I think it is impossible.

Since I am at loss for words as to my emotions, I will share what I have learned in the past 3 months.  I have learned: life doesn't always go as expected and the detour can be a doozy; there are very kind and loving people in the world; support can be found in many places and give in many different ways; every minute is precious; your life can dramatically change in the blink of an eye; I love my family more than I thought I did; I have very, very good friends; I truly love my husband and he is my soul mate; and maybe most importantly I am stronger than I think and I am a survivor!

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