Sometimes, I ache at the thought of my children not growing up together. Having a child, as you parents know, is like no other love in the world. Dominic is my best friend, my buddy. I love him so, so much. I enjoy so much to watch him play. When I see him interact with other children, I can't help but think, he needs siblings. I feel I am sort of betraying Gabriella by thinking this. He has a sister, one he will never know. I feel like I have failed him. He deserves to know his sister.
I am so afraid we won't be able to have more children. There are so many new fears and worries. I really want him to have the experience and joy of having a living brother or sister. I can only say that after losing Gabriella, I no longer feel anything is beyond comprehension. Some may say I am being silly or overreacting, but she wasn't supposed to die, so why would it be so hard to imagine that I may not be blessed with more children? Or even worse, God forbid, what if something happens to Dominic? Yes, that is a real fear to me. There are nights I check on him several times for no good reason. If he takes a nap and sleeps longer than normal, I am at the monitor looking for movement. I suppose those are my two biggest fears/concerns in my new reality; not having more children and losing Dominic.
I am also so sad that I will never have a picture of my entire family together. Could you imagine not having a picture of your entire family? From now until forever, whenever we take a 'family' picture, there will be an emptiness about it. How can we take a family picture without our daughter? How will I ever be able to feel good about pictures of our family knowing that she is missing? It is a hole in my heart. My whole life there will be something missing.