Monday, March 7, 2011

Dominic Deserves His Sister

Sometimes, I ache at the thought of my children not growing up together.  Having a child, as you parents know, is like no other love in the world.  Dominic is my best friend, my buddy. I love him so, so much. I enjoy so much to watch him play.  When I see him interact with other children, I can't help but think, he needs siblings.  I feel I am sort of betraying Gabriella by thinking this. He has a sister, one he will never know. I feel like I have failed him. He deserves to know his sister.

I am so afraid we won't be able to have more children.  There are so many new fears and worries.  I really want him to have the experience and joy of having a living brother or sister. I can only say that after losing Gabriella, I no longer feel anything is beyond comprehension.  Some may say I am being silly or overreacting, but she wasn't supposed to die, so why would it be so hard to imagine that I may not be blessed with more children? Or even worse, God forbid, what if something happens to Dominic? Yes, that is a real fear to me.  There are nights I check on him several times for no good reason. If he takes a nap and sleeps longer than normal, I am at the monitor looking for movement.  I suppose those are my two biggest fears/concerns in my new reality; not having more children and losing Dominic. 

I am also so sad that I will never have a picture of my entire family together.  Could you imagine not having a picture of your entire family?  From now until forever, whenever we take a 'family' picture, there will be an emptiness about it.  How can we take a family picture without our daughter? How will I ever be able to feel good about pictures of our family knowing that she is missing? It is a hole in my heart. My whole life there will be something missing.

2 comments:

  1. Wow...the family portrait thing. I get that. That's rough. I guess I could say that she's there in your, Thad's, and Dominic's eyes. but...just but.

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  2. I can't imagine the "family portrait" feeling but, because of different circumstances, I understand your fears/concerns about Dominic. Even had a horrible dream once about losing Emily. At those moments I try to push the negative thoughts away and tell myself how lucky and blessed I am to have her. It's all I can do. You know the quote from the book Who moved my cheese, "what would I do if I wasn't afraid?" I hope you can push past all your fears...

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