Saturday, March 12, 2011

Quiet

I decided to ask a friend to take Dominic this weekend.  I really felt the need to decompress and connect with myself again.  I haven't been able to do that, certainly since we lost Gabriella, but really for quite some time.

I dropped him off Friday night and stayed at her home until I was sure he was settled in bed.  I procrastinated in leaving her home, knowing my little boy would not be with me in the morning.  I don't know if I was more worried about him or me.  I have struggled with feeling guilty for leaving him.  After all it is for no 'good' reason. 

I got home and the house was quiet.  There is no monitor with the humming of the sound machine piping through.  No little coos being muttered.  Dominic is a noisy sleeper.  I straightened up a bit and in doing so, had to bring something into his room.  It was empty. It almost felt eerie.  There is an emptiness in the entire house without him here.  After having to go in his room for a second time, I decide to close the door behind me.  I just can't stand seeing the room empty.  His toys are in his play room and they seem lifeless without him.  It reminds me of the Toy Story movies.  Toys are nothing without a child's love.  It is strange to know they won't be played with all weekend. I just can't help but think, what if it was like this all the time.  I am horrified at the thought.  I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He is my best friend, my little buddy.  If he wasn't here, I don't know if I could handle the quiet. I pray for his health and safety every night. It's been 2 hours since I left him and I miss him already.

A friend of mine told me that mommies were allowed to have mental health days off too.  I keep that in my head when the bouts of guilt come over me.  I need this time.  I need to sleep and unwind.  I have to remind myself I am allowed to be a little selfish so that I can be a better me, which in turn will make me a better mom.  But, even with this thought, I am almost uncomfortable with the silence. 

At mass on Ash Wednesday, one of my priests talked about the inner quiet we need to find in order to hear God.  I want to find the quiet, but all I am noticing right now is the physical quiet.  I suppose this takes some practice.  I am still learning.  I am hoping that if I can master this skill that God's plan for me will become more clear.

2 comments:

  1. Of course Mommies need a mental health day! And you soooo need this! Take the time for you, take the time to cry if you need to without worrying about anyone else around, take some alone time with Thad, have the quiet to have your conversation with God & hear what you are intended to.
    Just remember, though you may be alone in your house, you are never alone. Not only do you have God & Gabriella with you but you have family & friends that love you & will stand beside you whenever you need.
    {{{{hugs}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's hard to turn our Mommy-selves off. I guess, you never really can! I remember thinking when my first daughter was born.... "How am I EVER going to relax again!" That was the hardest thing for me to adjust to as a new mom. I will always be worried, concerned, anxious and feel pressure to be everything that my child needs me to be, no matter what their age. Truth be told... you really can't ever relax again! Not in the same way, anyway. But with practice, you learn how to be still and appreciate even more the blessings in your life. Having children woke up something up in me, everything has color and life now. It makes me realize that I can't take anything for granted. Everything is a gift... And knowing that now, is better than the care-free relaxing I used to have... Now it is true peace. Enjoy your time and just be... Your little boy will be back in his room before you know it! Remember it's good for him to be away from you too. He'll have a blast and you are giving him a gift of a new exciting experience!

    ReplyDelete