I decided to ask a friend to take Dominic this weekend. I really felt the need to decompress and connect with myself again. I haven't been able to do that, certainly since we lost Gabriella, but really for quite some time.
I dropped him off Friday night and stayed at her home until I was sure he was settled in bed. I procrastinated in leaving her home, knowing my little boy would not be with me in the morning. I don't know if I was more worried about him or me. I have struggled with feeling guilty for leaving him. After all it is for no 'good' reason.
I got home and the house was quiet. There is no monitor with the humming of the sound machine piping through. No little coos being muttered. Dominic is a noisy sleeper. I straightened up a bit and in doing so, had to bring something into his room. It was empty. It almost felt eerie. There is an emptiness in the entire house without him here. After having to go in his room for a second time, I decide to close the door behind me. I just can't stand seeing the room empty. His toys are in his play room and they seem lifeless without him. It reminds me of the Toy Story movies. Toys are nothing without a child's love. It is strange to know they won't be played with all weekend. I just can't help but think, what if it was like this all the time. I am horrified at the thought. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He is my best friend, my little buddy. If he wasn't here, I don't know if I could handle the quiet. I pray for his health and safety every night. It's been 2 hours since I left him and I miss him already.
A friend of mine told me that mommies were allowed to have mental health days off too. I keep that in my head when the bouts of guilt come over me. I need this time. I need to sleep and unwind. I have to remind myself I am allowed to be a little selfish so that I can be a better me, which in turn will make me a better mom. But, even with this thought, I am almost uncomfortable with the silence.
At mass on Ash Wednesday, one of my priests talked about the inner quiet we need to find in order to hear God. I want to find the quiet, but all I am noticing right now is the physical quiet. I suppose this takes some practice. I am still learning. I am hoping that if I can master this skill that God's plan for me will become more clear.