This morning I woke up anxious. At first I didn't know why, and then I remembered it is the 19th. It's been two months since we said good bye to our little angel. Today the reality of her death is as real, if not, more real, than it was on that first day. The initial business of funeral arrangements, autopsy reports, and physical healing has past and I (we) are left with the reality. Our baby is gone. Her due date has come and gone, and she is not home with us. Rather than 'getting easier', I believe it to be getting harder. As more time passes, there are more opportunities to realize she is not here on earth. Whether it is seeing a baby girl, making plans for the summer without her, or having a stranger inquire about how many children I have or if I plan on having more kids. I am left few pictures to remind me of my baby girl and the pain in my heart. Sometimes it is difficult to look at the pictures and other times a comfort. This experience has been such a mind twister. Sometimes, I still wonder if it is real and each morning wake up thinking, 'did it really happen.' Sometime I find myself forcing myself to relive the first few days in the hospital to remind myself it is real and keep myself grounded. Being grounded is maybe one of the hardest things to do. Every fiber of my being wants to push this whole experience out of my mind and pretend it did not happen. Yet, as much as I want to do that, I force myself to remember she is real, she did exist and I do love her.
To everyone reading out there, I want to tell you not to take your life for granted. Do not take the people in your life for granted, even your unborn children. Your entire life can change forever in the blink of an eye, for best or for worse, you will never be the same.