Plan "B"

So very often I am asked the question, "How are you doing?"  My answer usually surprises the person asking.  My reply lately has been, "I am good. I am in a good place."  In the beginning of my journey, I wouldn't have answered that way.  I would often respond, 'I'm okay; hanging in there; we are functional' and things like that.  And I was just that, okay and functional.  But, not now.  Now I can answer that I am good and in a good place.  Thank God.

Recently I was asked a more provoking question.  'How is it that you are in a 'good place'?'  Wow, I thought what a great question.  What a deep thing to ask.  I am so happy to have been asked that question.  How is it that I can be 'good'? I think this is the interesting part of my 'story'.  I am sure many people are interested in hearing about my daughter, her life and the circumstances around her death.  But, truly, the bigger mystery is how to become okay or even good with burying your child?

This journey did not begin for me December 19, 2010.  It began well over a year before that, maybe even longer.  But how, or what would move someone to ask me this question.  It was in talking to my cousin and my aunt that the conversation about how I was, took a turn in down this avenue.  And I truly believe the simple answer to that question is that I started in a different place than most people.

I honestly have to say, I got to this place because I started in a good place to begin with.  At the time we lost Gabriella, we had already been attending Sunday mass regularly.  I was teaching religion to 4th graders in my parish.  An activity I got involved in because I wanted to teach my son, that giving of your time is as important as giving of your money.  Children learn through example and mimic what you do, so I figured if my son grew up seeing me participating in such activities, he would grow up wanting to do the same.

I also had previously gone to therapy to deal with issues of loss and grieving after our second miscarriage.  Shortly after our second miscarriage, I went to a dark place.  I was not happy and had no joy.  This was prior to having my son, so I didn't have a lot of distractions from my sadness and pain.  I luckily had enough sense to seek out help before I was in too deep and couldn't voluntarily get the help I needed.  I started working with a therapist and shortly after went on Prozac.  My therapy proved to be helpful and vital to my personal growth.  I learned that my overwhelming sadness and grief was not for the loss of my pregnancy.  The loss of the pregnancy triggered a deep sadness in me.  The lose of my grandfather almost 30 years ago.  I worked with that therapist for little over 6 months.  After the first, 4 months I was no longer on the Prozac. I came out of the experience a much more grounded and happier person.  Would I be the same person you see today without having had that experience, I don't think so.

I hate to say that this was my destiny.  I wouldn't want to think I was destined to have carried a baby for 33 weeks only to loss her to unknown causes.  But, looking back there were many things that happened and were said, things I felt deep in my soul, that may have been preparing be for the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.  Before losing my daughter, I could not say I had a worse day of my life.  I didn't feel like there was anything so tragic that happened to me.  But, I can say now, that day and the days, weeks and months to follow were the worst and toughest times in my life.

I think I need to start to explore these things.  I think I need to recall them and start to share my story from a  new point of view and prospective.  The raw emotions have come and gone.  The moments of these raw and heart wrenching emotions are not completely gone, but they are farther and fewer between.

Within minutes of walking in to my aunt's home, I saw a decorative tile she had simply laying on the windowsill of her kitchen.  The tile was very unpresuming, and wasn't even displayed.  But what it said and what it means to me is tremendous, and might as well be brightly lit in neon in her window.  It read, "Life is all about how you handle Plan B."  I couldn't help but think to myself, "isn't it true? You will see what you are really made of, when you have to live plan B."

Little Moments

I have come to really appreciate the little moments in life.  I would like to say that I have always done this, but, to be honest, I am not sure if that is true.  Now, I am acutely aware of the little moments as they are happening and appreciate them as much as some of big times of my life, like my wedding day.  I suppose the big things in life the milestone and mile markers, are the anchors in ones life and the little moments are the string of events that get you from one milestone to the next.  In life, there are many more little moments than mile stones.  What a pity it would be to waste any of them.

With that being said, recently, I have been blessed enough to have some thing big happening to me and my family.  You may remember some time ago, I wrote about my family portrait never being complete.  At that same time an old classmate was just starting to read my blog.  Call it fate, serendipity, or what have you, it connected me and this classmate.  As it turns out, she is a photographer, and a talented one at that.  She so generously offered to help make my wish of a complete family portrait come true.  Her name is Laurie Arends.  Laurie is not an ordinary photographer, she is an artist.  She specializes in conceptual fine art photography.  This type of photographer is one that tell a story, and is not merely a reflection of faces and objects.  She and I are working together to create, what is becoming a series of family portraits and that will include my dear Gabriella in the most subtle of an meaningful ways, capturing us in the little moments of life.

I will be posting these photographs as they become available. Starting with the one below, titled sharing with sister.  Thank you Laurie!






"Sharing with sister"



More of Laurie's work can be found at her website:  

http://www.littlemomentsbylaurie.com/

A Turning Point??

Summer 2011

Life has been looking up.  I have been feeling good.  I am no doubt, in no way, "over" the death of my daughter; nor do I think I ever will be.  You don't get "over" something like that. But, in the past month I have been feeling better and more like myself. 

Summer has been a breathe of fresh air for me and my family.  Thad is done with school, and life is starting to take on a new meaning and routine.  The three of us are a family and we are enjoying our time together.  Keeping busy with lots summer fun, like the beach, splash park, swimming, playing in the yard, gardening, BBQ's and such have made this summer one to remember.  We have plans for more to come too.  A trip to Sesame Place and maybe Florida; a weekend in New Jersey, day trips and more.  I am so happy. 

My son is growing and developing so much, so quickly! He is starting to talk and put words together.  He is getting smarter by the day and I just adore him! My love, my husband and I are reconnecting after 2+ long years of full time school and work, which left little time together, not to mention the business of having babies, in the middle of it all. I am starting to 'take care' of myself too.  Something I have, in my opinion, neglected.  I am even managing to get motivated to get back to work!

I am feeling good.  I am feeling happy and I am feeling hopeful-  All good times, all good signs! I can't say for certain what the turning point was, or what to motivating factor was.  Maybe it was just time, or maybe something struck me subconsciously, but, in any event, I am grateful. 

I would like to leave a quote I found striking with you on a closing note.  I don't think this was a pivotal point for me, but I can say I left a lasting impression on me.  Marie Osmond, was interviewed on Oprah this past year.  She was speaking about the untimely death of her son by his own hand.  One think she said, among many that struck me was, "if you live in what if's, you stop living."  Wow, what a powerful statement, and so true- food for thought.  I chose to live!

Finally!!! Birth Certificates for our babies!

NY Legislature Approves Bill Allowing Birth Certificates For Stillborn Children

This is a victory for bereaved parents in New York State!!
I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am. I am overwhelmed with emotion. My daughter did exist, she does count, and she did touch lives.  My husband, son and I will pursue a birth certificate for our dear Gabriella!