This weekend a dear friend to one of my aunt's passed away. She and my aunt were friends for over 40 years. She was a sweet, kind woman. She was caring mother and had a strong spirit. I have fond memories of her and her tender nature. While I haven't seen her in years, I am certain she will be sorely missed by her friends and family.
As I reflect on her passing, I couldn't help but think, will she take care of Gabriella for me?
An angel for an angel? I hope so.
It is so sad that bad things happen to good people. Here is a beautiful, righteous woman taken too soon. A devoted mom and wife, and a loyal friend. She too has been taken too young and without justice. I am learning death is non discriminating. It is blind to quality of the person and the nature of their spirit. Death is ruthless and without compassionate to the survivors of these souls. And as much as we cry and mourn their passing, I find comfort is my faith of Jesus' promise. So while I cry and mourn, at the same time I have comfort in knowing my tears are selfish. I cry for myself and for all of the things out of my control.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Gabriella's Mass
Thank you to those of you who were able to attend mass last Sunday morning, it meant so much.
Thank you to those of you who went and lit a candle for Gabriella and my family last Sunday.
Thank you to those of you who prayed for us last Sunday.
Thank you, thank you and thank you again for all your consistant love, care and support.
Thank you!
Thank you to those of you who went and lit a candle for Gabriella and my family last Sunday.
Thank you to those of you who prayed for us last Sunday.
Thank you, thank you and thank you again for all your consistant love, care and support.
Thank you!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Happy Birthday
I know my baby died before she was even born, but today would have been her birthday. There is a melancholy tone about me today. The only thing that truly made me smile was my son.
How do you celebrate a birthday that never happened? I woke up this morning thinking 'someone else is having my baby today,' meaning, someone else took my appointment for their c-section at the hospital today. At about 11am I was thinking, I should be holding be daughter right about now. Enjoying her, sharing my pride with my husband and wondering how will I ever manage a newborn and a 15 month old. Instead, I had none of that. I had a pleasant lunch with a dear friend. A friend who would have been Gabriella's godmother. Shopped for a gift for my husband's birthday and went home to act normal for my little boy. Now that he is in bed and sleeping, I don't know what to do. I want to cry, I want to scream, but, nothing is coming out. All I feel is the heaviness of my heart.
Today should have been day one of a beautiful life.
I am speechless and a bit hopeless today. I wish it could have been different, but it is not.
I couldn't even go to the cemetery today in fear all of the snow would make it impossible to find her barely marked gravesite. Honestly, the very thought of her in the ground beneath all this snow is overwhelming. All I can think is, my baby is freezing. I know she is not, but, that is what I think. She should be in my warm arms, not in a cold grave.
I wonder years from now, what date will I remember the most, the day we lost her or the day she should have been born. I suppose only time will tell. But, for today I will think of this as her birthday. Happy Birthday little baby, happy birthday precious angel. If I could have wish on your day it would be that today had went as planned, that we would be laying in a hospital bed right now together, that you would have met your big brother, and you would have been here tomorrow for your father's birthday. We miss you.
How do you celebrate a birthday that never happened? I woke up this morning thinking 'someone else is having my baby today,' meaning, someone else took my appointment for their c-section at the hospital today. At about 11am I was thinking, I should be holding be daughter right about now. Enjoying her, sharing my pride with my husband and wondering how will I ever manage a newborn and a 15 month old. Instead, I had none of that. I had a pleasant lunch with a dear friend. A friend who would have been Gabriella's godmother. Shopped for a gift for my husband's birthday and went home to act normal for my little boy. Now that he is in bed and sleeping, I don't know what to do. I want to cry, I want to scream, but, nothing is coming out. All I feel is the heaviness of my heart.
Today should have been day one of a beautiful life.
I am speechless and a bit hopeless today. I wish it could have been different, but it is not.
I couldn't even go to the cemetery today in fear all of the snow would make it impossible to find her barely marked gravesite. Honestly, the very thought of her in the ground beneath all this snow is overwhelming. All I can think is, my baby is freezing. I know she is not, but, that is what I think. She should be in my warm arms, not in a cold grave.
I wonder years from now, what date will I remember the most, the day we lost her or the day she should have been born. I suppose only time will tell. But, for today I will think of this as her birthday. Happy Birthday little baby, happy birthday precious angel. If I could have wish on your day it would be that today had went as planned, that we would be laying in a hospital bed right now together, that you would have met your big brother, and you would have been here tomorrow for your father's birthday. We miss you.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Baby Anna
Today I saw my cousin's daughter, Baby Anna. Oh my, what a beautiful child. She is just so adorable, with her big blue eyes. The first time I saw her after Gabriella died was on Christmas, 2 days after the funeral. Anna is only 4 months old, so at the time she was 3 months old. I thought Anna and Gabriella would grow up together, just as Dominic and my other cousins son Ryan would. (Dominic and Ryan are only 4 months apart too.) There was a point on Christmas that I offered to hold Anna for my cousin. I sat in my aunt's formal living room. It was just me and her. I held her and rocked her gently. I looked at her, and over and over again as she slept I reminded myself, 'this is Anna.' I felt good holding her. No one came in to the living room during our time together. It was so quiet and peaceful. At the time I didn't think about what it would be like if I was doing the same thing with Gabriella.
Today I again had the opportunity to hold Anna. Oh how I loved it. She is so precious. Today I missed Gabriella. Anna and Gabriella will not grow up together. Anna will grow up to be a strong, beautiful woman and Gabriella will not. God willing, my cousin will be blessed to watch her grow from a baby, into a little girl, to a young lady and into a woman. She will be able to wipe her tears as she has her first heartbreak, share the joy of her being accepted into the school of her choice, and one day watch her walk down the aisle at her wedding. She probably will even one day hold Anna's child with the pride of a grandmother. I will not be afforded such opportunities. I will never have any of those experiences. She will always be a baby and I will never know what she would have looked like all grown up, or know what kind of a woman she would have been. I am so sad for all the memories I am going to be cheated out of. So today I am sad, my heart is heavy and my soul aches. One day I know I will be able to hold my baby again. One day... but, I have the pain of knowing it is not today.
Recently, before we lost Gabriella, my husband and I were sitting in our den, playing with our son. I was lost in the moment, when I looked up and saw my husband started to cry. I couldn't imagine why he would be crying. His tears were gently rolling down his face, and he wasn't making a sound. I of course asked, "why are you crying?" He told me he was crying because Dominic was growing up so fast and that he wished he could stay small. Only lord knows why I answered him the way I did. I looked at him and wiped his tears away. I said to him, 'don't you say that. Don't ever wish that again. If he is growing up that means he is doing something right, that means we are doing something right. Some people don't get to see their children grow up. We are lucky.' How strange. How strange I would have said that to him. This wasn't long ago, maybe little more than a month ago, maybe two. We are now in the very situation I was referring to. Our child would not grow up. We will not have the pleasure of watching her grow. I wonder if I will create my own memories of her as the years go on. Imagine what she would have been like or what she would have liked. What her favorite color would be, her favorite cartoon, her favorite drink. Would she be funny or serious? Would she prefer her hair long or short? Would she be a girly, girl or a tom boy? So many things I will never know about my own child. How will I know her when I meet her again?
Sometimes counting our blessings can be hard. Sometimes things are so difficult in this world and day to day life can seem overwhelming. But, we owe it to ourselves and to those who aren't as blessed as we are to count our blessings; every single one, even the smallest ones. Because it is in the smallest moments of our lives that we could just let them pass us by if we aren't paying attention. Open your eyes, pay attention and start counting, don't let them pass you by, don't take them for granted. Embrace them, cherish them and enjoy them.
(written 1/20/11)
Today I again had the opportunity to hold Anna. Oh how I loved it. She is so precious. Today I missed Gabriella. Anna and Gabriella will not grow up together. Anna will grow up to be a strong, beautiful woman and Gabriella will not. God willing, my cousin will be blessed to watch her grow from a baby, into a little girl, to a young lady and into a woman. She will be able to wipe her tears as she has her first heartbreak, share the joy of her being accepted into the school of her choice, and one day watch her walk down the aisle at her wedding. She probably will even one day hold Anna's child with the pride of a grandmother. I will not be afforded such opportunities. I will never have any of those experiences. She will always be a baby and I will never know what she would have looked like all grown up, or know what kind of a woman she would have been. I am so sad for all the memories I am going to be cheated out of. So today I am sad, my heart is heavy and my soul aches. One day I know I will be able to hold my baby again. One day... but, I have the pain of knowing it is not today.
Recently, before we lost Gabriella, my husband and I were sitting in our den, playing with our son. I was lost in the moment, when I looked up and saw my husband started to cry. I couldn't imagine why he would be crying. His tears were gently rolling down his face, and he wasn't making a sound. I of course asked, "why are you crying?" He told me he was crying because Dominic was growing up so fast and that he wished he could stay small. Only lord knows why I answered him the way I did. I looked at him and wiped his tears away. I said to him, 'don't you say that. Don't ever wish that again. If he is growing up that means he is doing something right, that means we are doing something right. Some people don't get to see their children grow up. We are lucky.' How strange. How strange I would have said that to him. This wasn't long ago, maybe little more than a month ago, maybe two. We are now in the very situation I was referring to. Our child would not grow up. We will not have the pleasure of watching her grow. I wonder if I will create my own memories of her as the years go on. Imagine what she would have been like or what she would have liked. What her favorite color would be, her favorite cartoon, her favorite drink. Would she be funny or serious? Would she prefer her hair long or short? Would she be a girly, girl or a tom boy? So many things I will never know about my own child. How will I know her when I meet her again?
Sometimes counting our blessings can be hard. Sometimes things are so difficult in this world and day to day life can seem overwhelming. But, we owe it to ourselves and to those who aren't as blessed as we are to count our blessings; every single one, even the smallest ones. Because it is in the smallest moments of our lives that we could just let them pass us by if we aren't paying attention. Open your eyes, pay attention and start counting, don't let them pass you by, don't take them for granted. Embrace them, cherish them and enjoy them.
(written 1/20/11)
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