Break Downs

Breakdowns happen! I know to some I seem to be okay and put together about this whole situation, well, I am not as strong as I seem.  I breakdown and it usually happens and hits me at the most unexpected of times; like today.

While at a local nursery/petting zoo, with my husband and son, I saw a little boy.   This little boy first caught my eye because of his red, red hair.  The kids were playing in the toddler bouncer and having a good time.  Then suddenly, I noticed the little boys t-shirt.  It read, "I'm going to be a big brother".  My heart sank.  My wonderful bright and sunny morning started to turn to gloom and anxiety.  I actually zoned out.  So much so, that my husband had to call my name to regain my attention.  I was a zombie.  I couldn't believe the things I was thinking.  I am not even sure if it is okay to express those thoughts here.  But, I am willing to throw caution to the wind and share my inner most thoughts at that moment.  I honestly, couldn't help but think, "I hope so. I hope you are the big brother you and your parents want you to be." I couldn't help but feel sorry for them and how naive they were.  "Don't they know?", I thought.  "Don't they know how terribly wrong things could go?"  "What if their baby dies? What will they do with that t-shirt?"  Rough, I know.  My thoughts were not conscious, censored or kind.  I was not the usual me.

I wanted to feel something other than what I felt in those moments.  I wanted to be happy for that family and for that little boy.  But, the truth of the matter is it stung.  It stung me in a way I haven't felt before.  I was a bit angry.  I was feeling bad for myself.  I just felt to my core, it just wasn't fair and I miss my daughter.  It threw me in an unsettled mood.  On my way home, I decided to stop by the cemetery.  Dominic was sleeping soundly in his car seat, so I left him in the car, and I walked up to my baby.  I haven't felt the same there since the time I went there to discover her things were stolen.  In my own type of rage, I decided to clean up her grave site and throw out everything old and faded looking.  As I ripped the stuff out of the ground, I just wanted to pound my fists to the ground and cry.  Not the type of cry where the tears roll gently down my face.  I wanted to cry, and cry hard.  I wanted to scream about how unfair it was.  I wanted to do all those things, but, there was a couple there nearby with their baby.  I composed myself and thought my rage out and calmly tended to my business.  I thought about her laying there in the ground and how just a couple of feet below me was her lifeless, breathless body.  I couldn't help but feel like this is all useless.  She is dead.  All the flowers and decorations in the world won't bring her back.  I can decorate garden all I want but, nothing will change.  I thought why do I come here and do this.  I started to understand those parents of the lonely graves, the ones who seem to be abandoned.  Maybe they, the parents, just didn't want to be themselves anymore.  Maybe they just don't want to be part of the group of bereaved parents.  Maybe going is being stuck in a moment.  But, unfortunately, when you lose a baby, all you have is a moment.  My memories of Gabriella are not plentiful.  I have to hold onto a feeling.  Without that feeling, it would be like she didn't exist.

Breaking down is not my favorite thing to do.  Not every breakdown is therapeutic, like today's.  Today's just sucked.  It hurt and it was unfortunate.  I never know where and when something is going to strike me and cause this feeling.  Preparing for it is impossible. When it does happen, it is all about survival.  I can't worry about dishes, laundry, dirty floors, dinner, bills or anything else.  I usually have to just do all I can to 'get through' it.  I take care of Dominic and then myself.  Life has to get simple in order to survive.  It has to be just me and Dominic, and everything and everyone else has to wait.  Some breakdowns are good, and a good cry helps sometimes, not today. I could have done without today.  The day was going great and as I think of it now, this event is overshadowing the fact that my family had a great morning together.  I understand that sometimes life give you lemons, and yes, we can make lemonade, but, sometimes, it just sucks.