Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Repairing My Soul

There are a thousand things that have happened and continue to happen on a daily basis that breaks down my soul.  I still feel so very often feel a thousand mini daggers in my heart and throughout my day that make me sad inside and break me down.  They are from the littlest things to the biggest.  No one hurts more than the other, it is just a constant and dull sadness and pain that constantly exists inside of me.  I know 9 months has past by my heart doesn't know the time has past only that a piece of it is missing.

And then, there moments like this morning.  A morning starting off like so many others.  I didn't get to sleep well, didn't start asleep well, and got up way to early to a little boy full of life ready explore the world around him.  These mornings, which tend to be most mornings are difficult and a challenge.  How do I wake up full of the life and energy I need for my son, when my heart is so broken, my spirit weary and my body empty of energy.  I like most just 'do it' because we have to, and it is our life.  This is my life, a constant struggle and challenge to keep my head above water, wondering if I will ever be the same again.  Last night, I think I may have come to the conclusion, that 'no' I will not ever be the same.

Getting to the business of my morning emails is part of the routine. Usually it is a barrage of advertisements, groupon offers and junk.  Delete, delete, delete... and then this morning, an unusual email is there.  I had to take a double take.  A late night email from a dear friend, Laurie.  I have written about Laurie, before, she is a high school acquaintance turned dear friend, with an amazing talent for photography.  I thought it must have been an old email.  She kindly had done me the favor of emailing a picture of Gabriella, since I am away in Florida and didn't bring one.  I thought maybe that was the email I was noticing, but no, it wasn't.  She, this brilliant, humble and sweet girl, had taken a picture of my dear baby, one from the hospital, that until now I could not see fit to even look at much myself, let alone share with others, and touched it up.  A miracle was transformed in front of my eyes.  My daughter, as she would have looked in the best of situations and without any alteration to her appearance.  My heart stopped for a moment and the tears welled up.  It is my baby. It is my girl.  It is how I want to see her, remember her and love her.  My restful, peaceful, sleeping, little angel.  There she is the missing piece of my heart, there in black and white. 

My soul is still so broken and while this morning didn't magically 'fix' it all.  It is indeed a step in the right type of direction in repairing my soul.  I thank Mrs. Laurie Arends with all my heart, even the missing piece, for the gift she has given me, the gifts she has given me and with all the love in my heart for her talent and generosity. And while there is a missing piece of my heart there is also, know a new part of my heart that belongs to her. Thank you my friend, a million thank yous aren't enough, just know my heart aches with thanks and gratitude. 

 My sweet baby girl, Gabriella Eve, December 19, 2011. Shortly after delivery.

1 comment:

  1. What a touching post, as they all are! The baby is so beautiful, a face befitting her angelic name. I cannot imagine the lives both of you have touched as you work through your grief. Your daughter is beautiful - like you!