In my life, I have always felt I was being called to something more. While I could feel that pull, I could never identify that 'more'.
In April 2008, when I was wed, I began to realize that I was suited to be a wife. In October 2009, I became a mother and I started to feel the my empty cup, I'll call 'more', starting to fill. While motherhood in the early days was trying and exhausting, it was more than I could have hoped for. My son has filled my life with love and happiness. Nurturing him was and is a delight and my pleasure, even though the exhaustion. Knowing that his tiny, precious life, was dependent on me was a huge responsibility. The pressure is immense. But, as he grew and hit milestones, I knew I was doing a good job. When I feel defeated as a mother, I look at him and his gentle nature, his ability and his carefree attitude, and know I am doing something right.
Still a nagging feeling remained. What should I do, how can I do it. What will give my life more meaning, more depth. After all, one day my son will be a man, and I will be an old lady. What makes some older people happy and others not? Healthy or ill? I believe the answer to that question is purpose. We need to have a purpose. Without purpose our spirit is week and can wither. Maintaining purpose in life to me is key. But, I still haven't found that purpose, that 'more'.
Strangely, I since the loss of Gabriella, after the initial shock and numbness that is, I am feeling more whole than ever before. I feel I have something to offer. I feel my more is my ability to nurture, love and give back. All the things I have loved doing my whole life are things that directly and indirectly fall into these categories. Why hasn't it been obvious to me? Why couldn't I have seen it before? I am to nurture, love and give back. I am being called to service and love. It is so simple and yet it took a terrible loss and for me to see it. It took that sacrifice of my daughter in my arms for me to see. It is amazing to me that she is the teacher. That I pray to her to intercede with God on my behalf. That she is the stronger, wiser one of us. And that she is the one who is guiding me to fulfill my 'more' and be the person I was meant to be. My children both actually are my teachers. They give me more than I could have imagined one person could give to another, and they do it with unconditional love and without judgement. I am so blessed to have them both. I can never imagine my life without both of them, Dominic in my arms and Gabriella in my heart. I will always carry both of them close to me.