Saturday, November 26, 2011

Heavy Heart

My heart is getting heavier and heavier as the weeks are passing and bringing me closer to the anniversary of our loss.  I realized yesterday how I don't remember last November at all.  I don't remember the little things or even the larger events, like my birthday and Thanksgiving.  I have found it surprising that I don't remember.  I could understand not remembering the days prior and the weeks following.  But not to be able to remember November 2010 is odd to me.

I am so surprised at the melancholy mood and cloud around me.  I have not 'anticipated' the anniversary to be good or bad, but the stress I am feeling is heavy.  I suppose part of it is that I am one whole year without a part of my heart with me.  I still feel the ache as my heart beats.  The emptiness there is as real today as it was then.  As a matter of fact, maybe even more so, now it is real.

I still can't believe I am one of those people... a bereaved parent.  I honestly can't.  I know I am, I am walking through this life as one, but, I am comfortable in this place.  And there is nothing I can do about it.  That is one of the hardest parts of being us.  We didn't nothing to bring us to this place and yet we are left with the burden of living it.  I know in life others have it harder and even worse than we do.  I know that.  But, can't help but almost feel sorry for myself that this is the reality I live. 

My Thanksgiving while filled with reasons to give thanks, was difficult.  My family wasn't together and never will we sit at that table together.  It is hard to 'give thanks' on a specific day in this fashion, when to me it is just another day and I am not particularly feeling thankful, since my daughter is not there with us.   I can't help but thing she should be on the brink of her first birthday, sitting in her highchair and making us laugh with her coos and self discoveries.  Instead, we go on with out her as though she was never suppose to be there.  It is hard to find the balance between remembering and obsessing about all the withouts we have.

In any event, I write because I am not sure what else it is I can be doing.  I could hope and pray, and I have, and I will continue to, but it doesn't feel like it helps.  Christmas is going to be hard. And December 19th is around the corner and I have no idea of how we will mark the date.

1 comment: