I haven't written in so long. I tend to forget that I haven't written here on this blog, because I write all the time in my head. So many things have happened and have been going on in my life and in my head since I last posted that I can't hardly start to talk about it all. I mention this because if entries start to come in and seem to be out of a chronological order, it is because it is. Some posts to come are likely to be something I jotted down as these months have past.
Now, with it just 6 weeks until the one year 'angel'versary of the loss of my daughter, I think now I must make an effort to write again on a more regular basis. I don't know what to expect as this weeks approach, I only know that the simple fact that a year has pasted is amazing to me. My heart still broken, the questions I may have once had, have given way some type of acceptance and frustration is fading. All still, my daughter is gone and I miss her everyday.
Am left with the sense of gratefulness that I can't even begin to explain right now. The other day at an All Souls Mass, where my daughter's beautiful name was read out loud, the pastor used the phrase a, "terrible blessing." At the time I could absorb his message, now I identify with it. This all has been a terrible blessing that you all have shared with me. I thank you for sharing and caring. While, I know the 'terrible' is easy to see, it is the blessing part I am challenged with identifying. While, I can see it a lot of the time, there are times it is much more difficult and hazy to make out the good from the bad. But, isn't take always the way in life? Making out the good from the bad.
I want to say that while this was never the life I would have chosen for myself this is the life I have and have been given, and I am grateful. Grateful for the blessings I do have, and grateful for the opportunity to help others.
My life is never going to be the same, nor will I ever be the same person. I am okay with that. I just hope and pray that the life I come to is one where I can serve and love. I will take the good with the bad, but mostly I hope to take and give the profound love both my children have taught me.