Sunday, July 31, 2011

I Walk A Little Slower

I didn't realize that losing Gabriella has effected my overall prospective on life and what I place importance on, as much as it did.  Going to spend the night in New York City really brought this change to my attention. I'm in no rush. I don't care to walk fast, think fast or even talk fast. While I respect that people hustle through most of their day, I have no desire to do that.  My attitude is, I get there when I get there.

While walking through Penn Station, the subway and the streets of New York, I could feel an almost outer body experience.  There was all these people around me, hurrying, and I felt like I was floating along a street level cloud.  No one seemed to see me, but I saw everyone.  I took the time to see them.  The busy New Yorkers, the commuters, the tourists, even the babies.  I found myself wanting to engage people in idle chit chat.  I wanted to yield to the rushed person in Zabar's and make their day a little lighter.  Maybe even make them smile.

I can't say I was always like this.  I can't say I was never a rushed person.  In fact, now that I think about it, I probably spent most of my life rushed and hustling.  It was the rare occasion that I would walk at my leisure, taking my time to soak in my surroundings.  We miss so much when we aren't looking.  Now, that has changed for me and not consciously, it just happened, I just didn't notice it until now.  I actually have to say I like this new change.  Those of you who know me, know I try to find the "good" in this bad situation. And believe me it is hard.  This recent, unexpected discovery is in deed, in my view, a positive change.  My conscience level of appreciation for the little things is so heightened, I almost feel like my entire day has hidden little treasures in store for me.  Everything is precious. 

I breathe and love deeper now too. Each breath is a gift. Each breath has meaning.  Each breath counts.  My love for my family and friends is just as important to me as breathing.  I love my husband.  I mean I truly love him.  He has gone from being my partner in life to being my soul's mate.  My connection with him is so amazing that when I talk about it, it sounds unreal.  My son, Dominic, has awakened a part of my heart I didn't know I had.  On a daily basis he makes my heart bigger and better.  Every little moment with him is enough joy for a lifetime.  It is addictive, I want more and more of his joy.  If I could bottle up that joy and sell it I'd be rich.

When I think  about how Gabriella has changed my life forever, I have to say it is not all bad.  I miss my baby, I miss and am sad for all the hopes and dreams that died with her.  But, I know her life meant something.  I know she didn't die in vain.  She has given me so many gifts.  And it is through embracing her gifts I can survive this loss.  Her gifts have changed me forever and for that reason I know she will always be with me.

4 comments:

  1. You always amaze me. Love you, your sis.

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  2. Very beautiful and inspiring words, Nicole! Love, Jen Fitz x3

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  3. I get it. I so get it. The sad thing about my situation is that I feel I have changed while my husband hasn't, and I fear we may not be right for one another anyore.

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  4. Beautiful. It is is definitely hard sometimes to see the positive things that have come from such a detrimental loss, but they are there. And, they show themselves when we are open and willing to see them.

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