Sunday, May 15, 2011

4:30 AM

It's 4:30am and while I should be sleeping all I can think about is writing.  Yesterday was a tough day.  I was totally and utterly emerged in the land of the living.  My little son, at 18 months old, decide it was about time to start climbing out of his bed.  Down can the crib and up went the toddler bed.  I know most people would have resisted to make this change so quickly and at such a young age, but, I have faith in my little guys ability and determination.  He can do this and so can I.  Needless to say the night before this was a night filled with unwanted waking hours and a lot of crying.  I should be asleep, but, I am not.

I can help but wonder as I lay awake in my bed where this journey is going to bring me.  What will I do with my blog and how my family will be different going forward.  I am thinking about forgiveness, kindness and change.  I wonder if I will come out of this a better person than I went into it.  I think I already have, but, still I wonder.  I wonder want I will name my next child, if it will be a boy or a girl.  I do want more children, when is a matter of question, but, it is in our future.  I am thinking of my husband and is great accomplishments.  He is about to graduation mortuary school in 4 days.  It amazes me that in the face of this tragic loss, he could still maintain the ability to stay focused and graduate on time.  His determination and work ethic astound me.  I think of Dominic, and how I don't blog about him enough.  He is going through such an amazing time in his life right now.  Everyday he is doing something new, saying something new and molding into the person he one day will be.  How can I let that slip by with out a word.

I started a blog for him called 'Why I love my Kid'.  The truth of the matter is I don't need a separate blog for him.  I am 'The Funeral Director's Wife' and part of my life is Dominic.  He should be just as much a part of this blog as his sister is.  He is apart of my journey through life and he too has been effected by death.  Why should I neglect to include him in my writing here?  I was recently asked to write about him for a portrait a kind friend is doing for my family.  She obviously knows plenty about Gabriella and our emotions and life in regards to her from the blog.  But, still, I assume need more about Dominic.  I've been sitting on the task for about a week now, as though I am shy to write.  Indeed I am not shy, just blocked.  I write so much about feelings and effects of death that I am maybe unsure of how to write about the living.  I am not comfortable with this thought, which might quite possibly be a fact, that I am going to push through that obstacle and write a blog entirely about my son, here on this blog.  He deserved just as much of my words as his sister.

I know I have said it before, but, I can not believe it happened to me.  I can't believe I have buried a child.  But, I have a life to live and people in it who need me and to whom I need in return.  I push myself for that very reason.  I need to be the best I can be for them and for me.  Don't get me wrong, I am devastated by the loss of my little girl.  This is not what I planned or wanted.  But, I am not about to let it define me.  It will forever be apart of me that is for sure.  When I eventually do evolve into that person I am search for know, I will then fully and completely have my daughter ingrained in my soul, because if it were not for her, this unknown journey would not have began. 

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