Happy Mother's Day to all the women I love and admirer.
Today, surprisingly, was a good day; bitter-sweet, but good. I was able to enjoy myself, reflect and feel the flow of love going in and out of my heart. I spent a good amount of time at the cemetery today. And during my earlier visit I journaled. I could have sat there all day. The sense of clarity I felt today was comforting and I realized today, that I am a good mother to both my children. The following were my thoughts as they flowed from my heart to my pen.
I am a mother. On this day, one that may have been filled with tears and sorrow, I am feeling exceptionally good. I am a mother. I have a wonderfully beautiful son here on earth with me and a precious, perfect daughter, filled with love, watching over me and waiting for me in heaven. I love them both and enjoy them both in different ways. And I know in my heart I am the best mother I can be to each of them. Being a mother to a stillborn, is being a mother nonetheless. People may not realize it, but along with the sorrow and grief is an enormous amount of love that is without end and began at conception. Each day I live my life for my children; to make them proud. I have to do it for each of them different ways but it is done.
The word mother, I realize, is a verb, as well as a noun. It is an action, it is emotional, it is spiritual. I know many mothers. Some have never even "given birth" or adopted a child. They are the women who love and nurture those around them, be them children or a needing adult.
Sitting at the cemetery, I am watching mother's come up one by one with their flowers and their tears. No one ever expects to be here. But, here we are sitting on our little ones graves. As close as we can get to them physically. Crying, talking and praying; wishing there was another way. I look at their faces, many hidden behind dark sunglasses, and it is all the same, a glimmer of disbelief that this is our life, and yes indeed it happened to us, our babies died. After they leave, I try to wander past their little one's grave so that I can make a mental note of his or her name, so that I can keep them in my prayers and look after their 'garden's' when their parents are away, which is what I hope others do for me.
It is a glorious day, perfectly warmed and breezy. God himself must have hand picked the weather. What a great day to sit her in the grass, write and mediate. I could stay here for hours. With the warmth of the sun on my back and the gentle cool breeze across my face. But, hours I don't have. I have an eternity to come and go from this place. And another day perhaps will allow for the hours I seek. But for today, I have to live among the living and enjoy the joyous blessing that is my son. I hope and pray my other friends with babies in heaven will one day know the joy, light and life a living child brings to your life. I am blessed and grateful.