Friday, May 13, 2011

Hard to believe

It is hard to believe that I was ever pregnant.  I look at picture from several different events while my tummy was in it's bloom and there it is- evidence that I was.  I look at these pictures and try to remember what it was like to have my daughter alive within me.  It is so difficult to even remember what is like to feel her inside of me.  All her little kicks and squirms that she did on a daily basis seem to be a distance memory at best.  Amazing to me that such an active little baby would be a stillborn.  I think it is a bit of an oxymoron.  I often wonder if her high activity level was her demise.  I don't know how I would feel about her death if she was indeed, a victim to a cord accident.  So since they aren't able to tell me for sure why we lost her, I don't have to deal with it.  Sometime, I wonder if I should obtain my medical records and see if there is anything I can piece together to make sense of it all.  But, apart of me, thinks maybe some things are best unknown.  It's been over 2 month now, and I can't believe this is my life.  I am still in shock a bit.  While on one hand I feel like I have so much of it together, on the other hand I feel like I am living a fragmented life.  There are still so many things to put in their place and so many feeling to come to terms with.

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